Judas Kiss
by NElaineR
Summary: Once again, Cal has gotten himself into a dangerous, possibly lethal situation. Leaving suspense a bit and heading for angst.  No rest for the wicked! Last chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

He opened his eyes to the blonde hovering above him. She was gently wiping his forehead with a damp cloth. His skin felt on fire, but chills wracked his body as his teeth chattered.

The blonde moved her hands to his shoulder, gently pulling at some kind of dressing. Her fingers touched him lightly but he bolted upright as pain seared through him. She pushed against his chest, forcing him to lie back down.

"Be still," she commanded softly. His vision narrowed as he heard her speak to someone else in the room.

"We need to get him out of here. The bullet's in there. It's infected – he could easily die if we don't get him some help. A murder rap is not something we need…." Her voice had risen in pitch, desperation settling in.

"...too dangerous…"

"…dump him at the hospital…."

Nothing made sense. Confusion invaded every aspect of his consciousness. _What the hell was going on?_

A light blanket was thrown over him but it didn't do any good. He was _so_ cold. The tunnel alternately narrowed and widened around him. He wished that the darkness would settle in for good.

Cal wasn't sure how much time had elapsed but he sensed another presence in the room. People talking around him but he wasn't able to follow. Everything seemed disjointed.

"How long…"

"Didn't go through…."

"Has to come out.

"Won't agree…."

"Okay, let's do it."

Several hands pushed down on him, restraining him. He thrashed violently, baring teeth like an animal. His fist connected with someone and he heard a satisfying grunt of pain. He almost got free before a cloth was pressed down firmly upon his nose and mouth. His body bucked almost convulsively in panic, feeling suffocated. Darkness seeped in around the edges before pulling him down into its depths.

**(BREAK)**

"How are you feeling?" A low sultry voice floated somewhere above him.

With effort, he managed to crack his eyes open. The woman's face was backlit and he wasn't able to make out any details of her appearance. Her voice sounded vaguely familiar.

"Thirsty." His tongue felt dry and swollen.

"This is all I can do right now." She traced his lips with an ice cube before allowing him to pull it into his mouth.

"Where am I?" He barely recognized his own voice. It was coarse and broken sounding.

"Do you remember what happened?"

He was quiet, trying to piece things together. Images flickered within his swimming head. Nothing clicked though.

"Not sure."

She shifted slightly so he could get a better look at her face. Recognition began to stream through him, with it, a few fragmented memories.

"They know who you are."

He stared at her, seeing no point in responding. Cal moved to sit up and bit back a groan. Sweat immediately popped out on his forehead, vision blurring. She gently guided him back down to the mattress.

"You need to stay put. You just had surgery."

"Surgery?" He tried to focus on her with moderate success. "I got shot, yeah?"

She nodded. "I bitched at Tony until he called someone to fix you up." She gave a little shrug. "At least the instruments seemed clean."

"Wonderful."

"He left Morphine if you need it."

She stood up as his eyes began to droop and close. "Get some rest." She lightly trailed her fingers across his jaw, her gaze affectionate. "I'm going to try to get you out of here Dr. Lightman." It was not even a whisper.

"Tanya? How's he doing?"

The woman startled but quickly recovered. She moved away from the sleeping man on the cot and approached her business partner. "Seems a little better now that the slug's out, but it's still a little early to tell."

The man grunted. "I guess that's good. Can't believe how fucked up things got."

"You could still dump him in front of the ER."

"Yeah, I could, but that's not going to happen. Ever heard of making lemonade out of lemons? Well, this guy could help me recoup some of the cash I lost on the deal."

He stared at her with intense dark blue eyes.

She shook her head slowly. "I think it's a bad idea. Wouldn't it be wise to just cut our losses and get the hell out of here? Kidnapping will bring in the feds."

"I hate to tell you this sweetheart, but with the amount of blow we left on that loading dock, I can guarantee the feds are already involved."

**(BREAK)**

Gillian had no idea what had happened. Despite the fact that the DC Police had overrun the warehouse, Jackson's group had still managed to get away, taking Cal with them. Reports indicated that there had been an exchange of gunfire and there may have been casualties. There was also a possibility that Cal may have been one of them.

Shivering, she leaned forward on the couch and hugged her arms around her. Her office was dimly lit, the door shut, allowing her some privacy. Worry and fear creased her brow as she mentally backtracked through the case.

She guessed that she had "Jimmy the Mouth" to thank for the current situation. It definitely wasn't the first time that Cal's alter ego had landed him in trouble. Gill had been able to save his butt before but she wasn't sure it that would be the case this time. A certain leggy blonde seemed to have other plans.

The shrill braying of her office phone split through the darkness. She jumped at the sudden sound before getting to her feet and crossing to her desk.

"Dr. Foster speaking."

Silence.

"Hello?"

"We have your partner. How much is he worth to you?"

Pulse quickening, Gillian presented a calm front nonetheless. She strained to listen for any kind of background noise but her tone remained professional. "Is Dr. Lightman alright?"

"More or less."

"Can I speak with him?"

"He's currently…indisposed."

She clenched her jaw against the wave of fear-induced nausea. "Have you hurt him?"

"Nah, _WE_ didn't hurt him." A slight chuckle could be heard. "You'll be contacted shortly."

The line went dead.

She stared at the receiver for a moment before making a call to Reynolds.

(BREAK)

"So let me get this straight. Lightman was trying to help this woman get out of the trafficking biz by letting her know whether her partner was on the level about cutting her loose?" Ben was aghast.

"The fact that she looks like a blow up doll has no bearing." Torres muttered under her breath. Loker buried a smile under Foster's glare.

"We're not completely sure of all the details since he'd been less than forthright with information." Gillian's face burned, angry with Cal for leaving her in the dark as usual, but terrified for him regardless.

Ben sighed. "Okay. I'm going to make some calls and chat with the agents assigned to this whole fiasco. If we're lucky, I'll be able to snag some copies of footage from the warehouse security cameras. In the meantime, we're just going have to sit tight. When they call again, we'll be ready to roll with the trace." He swept his gaze over all of them. "I think you know the deal by now."

Before he left, he placed a gentle hand on Gillian's arm and met her eyes. "We'll get him back."

(BREAK)

The tapes were murky but they were able to get the gist of what may have gone down. Two vehicles and eight people. Although the faces were far from clear, they could pick out Lightman by his stance alone. The blonde woman was next to him. There seemed to be some kind of misunderstanding between two of the other men before the cops converged upon them, guns drawn. Three people were hit and Gillian felt like she'd been punched in the stomach when she saw that one of them was Cal. He didn't get up but two of the men roughly dragged him to the van and shoved him inside. The blonde quickly followed before the vehicle disappeared from the camera's view. The date on the tape was four days ago.

"Okay, we need to try to clean up the video and isolate faces." Gillian knew that Loker and Torres were both watching her closely but she refused to allow her feelings to manifest in her expression or body language. "Ben's people are already working on the plates."

**(BREAK)**

**One month earlier.**

She had known exactly who he was the second she saw him. They'd been watching him for the last couple of months and although his routine tended to be erratic, there were still certain things they could count on. Like tonight. Whenever he was upset or angry, he'd hit one of three bars on the way home. Tony had trailed him here and now she was up.

Tanya positioned herself at the bar just a few stools down and did her best to pretend that she didn't notice him. She knew she looked good, especially since she'd taken a little extra time. Sleeveless black dress hugging her in all the right places, stilettos, blonde hair free and flowing. It would just be a matter of time.

Twenty minutes and he didn't bite. His eyes didn't leave the drink in front of him. He was only on number four.

This was unusual. Time to step things up. She stood and approached him, brushing against him with her knees as she sat. "Did you get stood up?" Her voice was so throaty, she almost purred.

He looked over at her, face tired. "Nah, flying solo tonight luv." His eyes flickered across her features.

"What's your name?"

"Jimmy." Jimmy? Huh. She knew otherwise.

"I'm Tanya." She held out her hand.

He glanced down at it before enveloping it in his own. "How do ya do?" He released her hand, returning to his drink.

"You seem a bit down."

"Happens to everyone darlin'."

"Maybe a dance would help."

His hazel eyes took measure of her. Gave away nothing. "No music."

"Well, we could fix that." She stood and moved toward the jukebox in the corner. Her hips swayed and Cal stared. So did half the bar.

She chose a couple of slow standards before returning and laying a hand on his arm. "Shall we?"

"Sure. Why not?" He got up and she pulled him onto the tiny dance floor by the jukebox.

Tanya placed a hand on his shoulder while he took the other, pulling it against his chest, effectively sandwiching it between their bodies. His other arm looped around her waist. He began to expertly guide them. Despite the fact that he seemed a little buzzed didn't affect the fact that he was a good dancer.

His loose clothing hid the fact that he was surprisingly lean and powerful. He smelled good and she felt an immediate warmth pulse through her. She hadn't expected to be attracted to him. _This was really bad_.


	2. Chapter 2

**PRESENT**

Cal opened his eyes slowly, wincing and gritting his teeth. A good thing about the painkillers wearing off was that he felt a bit more lucid, the bad thing was the fact that whenever he moved he felt a wave of pain so intense, he had to bite back the nausea that rose in the back of his throat. It was better to be lucid regardless.

With care, he moved his head and attempted to take in his surroundings. A partially finished basement met his perusal. He was on a cot opposite a narrow, steep staircase that he was pretty damned sure he wouldn't currently be able to navigate. Shit. A tiny window neared the ceiling against the opposite wall. Unfortunately, unless he was the size of a chipmunk, that wasn't a viable escape route either. He had been left alone because they didn't currently see him as a threat. With good reason.

Using his left arm and his stomach muscles, Cal pushed himself into a sitting position, feet on the floor, back against the wall. Breathing hard, his head swam and his eyes dimmed. For a moment he thought he was going to pass out again. Trying to prevent that from occurring, he stayed very still and counted his breaths. It was a meditation trick Emily had taught him once. He never thought he'd actually use it. The wooziness passed but he was now afraid to move. His right arm hung uselessly as he visually inspected his shoulder. A new dressing had been applied, but there seemed to be a fair amount of seepage. Too much activity and the wound would open. He had to be very careful, which seemed quite unlikely given the current situation.

He began to run through events in his head, trying to figure exactly what had happened. Accompanying Tanya, Tony and the creepy guy, Bill, to the warehouse, he was supposed to verify the quality of the drug shipment by quizzing the suppliers. The DC Police Dept. should have been in the wings, ready to close in, but something went wrong. One stray shot had turned the place into a firestorm. It was odd that they hadn't just left him there after he'd been hit – it was definitely a concern.

He heard the door open upstairs and watched as slender, jeans clad legs came down the stairs before Tanya was completely visible to him. She startled when she saw him sitting up and looking at her. "Dr. Lightman. You really shouldn't – "

"Yeah, I know luv." Cal continued to stare at her, reading her nervousness and her fear. She was having a hard time meeting his eyes. "Why am I here?" His voice was low but there was a steel edge to it.

She glanced behind her and up the stairs before turning her attention back to him. His eyes were intense but he was pale and glistening with sweat. One hand gripped the edge of the cot while the other lay unmoving in his lap. The bandage on his shoulder was slowly becoming soaked. There seemed to be a bit too heat radiating from him once again and Tanya was worried. It was likely that the 'doctor' that Tony had procured was anything but. This was entirely her fault and she was going to have to make some hard decisions and quickly.

Not meeting his eyes, she moved to the side table and poured some water. She sat down next to him and he allowed her to help him take a couple of sips. He continued to silently seek out answers though, his stare unwavering.

"Tanya."

She finally met his eyes, debating how much to tell him. Her heart clenched painfully as she pondered things in her mind. She cared too damned much now. How could she explain her betrayal to him? "When all hell broke loose, the product was obviously left behind. Let's just say that Tony was less than thrilled."

He said nothing but she could feel him weighing her statements carefully.

"I was terrified when you got shot. One second you're standing right next to me and the next second you're on the ground bleeding and unconscious."

"Why didn't Tony leave me? He took a hell of chance back there – dead weight and all tends to slow ya down."

She winced at the word "dead" and her eyes began to fill. "He left over 1.2 million dollars worth of cocaine in that warehouse. He's angry, desperate and…" she caught his eye for the first time. "…and he knows who you are."

Cal digested this as a growing realization crept up on him. He looked away from her.

"I'm sorry. I tried to tell you that earlier, but I don't think you remember."

"Has he contacted Gillian?"

_Gillian_. Her name was a sticking point. As much as Lightman had played and flirted over the last month, Tanya had never been able to lure him beyond. She wiped her eyes. "Yes, I think so."

He didn't say anything and when she glanced over, he was staring blankly, eyes becoming unfocused. Muscles bunched in his jaw and his one hand held the edge of the cot in a death grip.

She gently laid one hand on his good arm, flinching at how warm he was. "I think you need to rest. I'm going to have Tony call his doctor friend again."

"Where do you stand in all this?" Cal's voice was a low growl as he swung his face toward her once again. Anger played upon his features and she felt a tiny flicker of fear.

"I…I'm trying to help you."

"How so?" He abruptly pulled away from her touch, causing a jet stream of blinding pain to slice through his shoulder and down his arm.

His eyes rolled back in his head as he started to slump. Tanya quickly moved to his side, taking some of his weight in attempt to keep him from sliding off the cot. She managed, more or less, to keep him from hitting the floor, before sitting back down on the edge of the makeshift bed herself. Staring down at his pallid face, she gently pushed the hair back from his sweat-covered brow. _Whatever she was going to do, she needed to do it quickly._

**(BREAK)**

"When is the drop going to be?" Tanya had reverted to professional mode. She gave her partner a cool eye.

"I'm going to give them a call tonight – they make the drop and I'll send some additional instructions."

"Are you going to dump Lightman outside the ER? Should do it soon – seems like he's taking a turn for the worst. He needs a doctor, I mean, a _real_ doctor."

"How do you know that Kaufman isn't a real doctor?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

Tony gave a smirk. "Okay – you got me. He _was_ a paramedic at one time though."

"When? The 1920's?"

"Funny. He's the only thing we have right now. My regular guy isn't available."

"You realize that you're gambling with his life?"

Puzzled, he squinted at her with a frown. "Why does it matter so much to you?"

Her façade remained intact, even if her heart surged. "He's not worth anything dead is he?" Tanya paused a moment. "Wait. What do you mean by additional instructions?"

The man dismissed the question with a shrug. "Just a goose chase so we grab the cash and get outta the country."  
>"What about Lightman?"<p>

"Oh come on! Use your brain. The guy would be invaluable to us – we could easily shuffle him into the network." His eyes shifted to the side, considering. "I'll get Kaufman back here today I think. You're right. We don't want Lightman to up and croak on us."

"How do you plan on getting him out of the country? By now his face is all over the news."

He gave her a dramatic wink. "Leave that me."

Tanya gave him a bright, appreciate smile while her stomach curdled. "You never planned on letting him go did you? Even if the whole deal hadn't blown up, I mean?"

"Handy guy to have around wouldn't you say?"

"Absolutely." She raised her brows before jerking her head toward the basement door. "Better check on him. Tried to get up earlier and almost fell on his head."

Immediate concern flashed across Tony's face. "Thought he wasn't doing so well."

"He's not. Just kind of a butthead – I thought you knew that."

Chewing on the inside of his cheek thoughtfully, he gazed past her to the basement door. "Think I should have Kaufman give him a little something to keep him subdued. Until we get him outta here at least."

"Probably not a bad idea." She nodded and turned. _Oh crap_.

Moving to the door, she unbolted it and headed down the narrow staircase.


	3. Chapter 3

He stared up at her, eyes burning, partially from fever and partially from anger. Tanya knew that he could practically smell the guilt and betrayal all over her now. Fortunately for her, Tony and Bill weren't quite as astute. Cal, she could deal with.

She sat on her knees on the floor in front of him. She could have easily reached out and touched him, and really wanted to but didn't dare. "Look, I know you're angry. You have every reason to be but you have to believe that I never intended any of this." Her voice caught, tears threatening. She took a moment to gather herself but was unsuccessful. The tears ran uncontrolled down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

Lightman still didn't say anything but it seemed to her that his expression did soften. Tanya was sure of it when he gently touched the side of her face with his left hand. His hand was very warm but she immediately pushed her cheek into his caress, wishing things were different.

"What now?" His voice was raspy, accent thicker than usual.

She covered the hand on her cheek with her own. He made no move to pull it away. "He never intended to let you go. They're making arrangements to smuggle you out of the country after Tony picks up the ransom. I'm not sure what his plan is but I need to get you out of here before that happens. When it's time, do you think you could make it up the stairs with my help?"

Cal looked past her, doubt evident but managed a "Yeah" nonetheless.

"One thing I do know is that Tony will be the one to go out which means that Bill will be here instead."

"Shit."

She nodded. "Yeah, I know. I'm trying to work it out – at least he's not the brightest crayon in the box."

He gave a low chuckle deep in his chest, before grimacing, eyes sliding shut. His hand started to fall away from her face.

Quickly standing up on her knees she grabbed his hand back, holding it firmly. "Dr. Lightman? Cal?"

"S'alright. I'm okay." He didn't open his eyes initially. Pain and tension settled into all lines of his face, making him appear older.

"I can get you some Morphine."

Shaking his head, he cracked his eyes open. "Need to stay alert."

"I know, but maybe a partial dose will take the edge off. If you pass out on me while I'm trying to get you out of here…." She allowed the implications to float out there.

"Point taken."

The paramedic had left a bag of supplies on the table by the cot. She poked through, quickly finding most of what she needed. Decided to grab the bottle of peroxide and new bandages while she was at it.

"I'm going to give you the painkiller first, but then I need to change the bandage." She measured out the dosage as he watched.

"You have some experience with this kind of thing?"

"A little."

He didn't appear comforted by her answer but didn't comment or move as she injected the medication into his vein and gave him a little smile. "Kicks in faster intravenously."

Ten minutes later, she was leaning over him, inspecting his wound and cleaning it to the best of her ability. His eyes were slightly glassy and half closed, but his jaw clenched and unclenched in his attempt to remain stoic. The morphine helped only negligibly but he had refused more.

The wound was definitely infected but Tanya tried her best to keep a neutral face. There were no antibiotics to be found in the medicinal bag oddly enough. She was almost certain that Tony's paramedic had used an injectable antibiotic after he'd pulled the bullet out. Had Kaufman misjudged the dosage? Either way, this didn't look good. She gave it an extra rinse of peroxide before gently blotting it dry and applying the new dressing. Cal had paled even more, but there hadn't been a sound out of him as she worked. He watched her closely as she hovered over him. "That's the best I can do. With a little luck I'll be able to get you out of here soon." The second sentence was just a low whisper but her proximity allowed him to hear her perfectly.

She was so close to him. Just inches away from his face. His hazel eyes had moved into a more greenish hue as he gazed at her curiously. Without thinking, she leaned even closer and lightly kissed his lips. He didn't return the favor, but nor did he recoil.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" She pulled away, touching her lips with her fingertips as if they burned.

"S'okay luv. I think I'll take that for luck." He stared at her in bemusement for just a moment before closing his eyes and drifting off into a fitful doze.

**(BREAK)**

The unmarked envelope had been delivered anonymously. It appeared to have been just stuck in the morning mail.

Continuing to stand in the hallway, Gillian hesitated briefly before opening it. Instincts were kicking into gear, her heart beginning to hammer. She tore it open, pulling out a note and a photo. A low gasp escaped at she stared at the second item. The photo was dark but the subject was obvious. Cal. Apparently unconscious, with a weeping bandage taped to his upper chest/right shoulder area. Very little could be seen in the background – a small bed or cot and a plywood-covered wall. Probably a basement but nothing distinguishable. She swallowed, feeling tears but forcing them back.

"Dr. Foster?"

Torres appeared next to her, concern flashing in her dark eyes.

"Could you get Ben please?" Her voice was uneven as she continued to wrestle with her emotions.

"Of course."

Gillian tore her eyes away from the grim photo and turned to the note.

"Fort Dupont Park. 11:00 pm. Tomorrow night. 1.2 million unmarked. NW garbage can. Lightman will be released shortly afterward. No cops – we'll be watching."

She flipped it over. Nothing else.

**(BREAK)**

Tanya returned to the first floor, mind racing. She followed the sound of the television into the front room to find Tony staring at football, beer in hand.

"Where's Bill?"

He looked up at her and gave her a lazy smile. "Went on an errand. Decided to drop a note instead of giving a call."

Nodding slowly, she met his eyes without waver. She was very good at what she did. "Probably smart, as long as he doesn't screw up."

"What? You think he would?"

She gave a little shrug. "Probably not. They were expecting a phone call, not snail mail."

"That's the idea."

Faking a yawn, which naturally turned real, she covered her mouth with the back of her hand. "Think I'm going to get a little rest. Need to be coherent for later."

"Is he…?"

"Oh, he's out. Probably will be for a while."

"Good deal. Kaufman won't be able to come sniffing around 'til tonight."

Tanya tilted and dipped her head in acknowledgement before retiring to her room. Not that it was really her room. They were just squatters in one of the main bosses' safe houses. Quiet place, quiet neighborhood. Shutting the door softly behind her, she grabbed one of her duffel bags and started pawing through. She found what she was looking for easily. Both the Glock and the Ruger were carefully wrapped in several of her blouses. She did a quick check, noting both magazines were full, but kept the safeties on. She put them aside before pulling out a small hand sized black box – it was fully charged and the pin was in. Had to be especially careful with it – she had accidentally zapped herself on the thumb once and hadn't been able to feel her whole hand for over an hour. Weapons deserved respect and she had the utmost. She'd been taught well.


	4. Chapter 4

I wanted to take a second and thank y'all for your kind reviews. They really do encourage me to continue with my bit of creative scribbling. ;-)

Wordlessly, Gillian handed both items to Ben who took them with a sigh.

"So much for the phone tap. Did anyone see where it came from?"

She shook her head. "It was just in the mail. I'm having Eli check security cameras as we speak though. Maybe someone got sloppy."

"Let's hope so."

"Any word on the license plate?"

Ben's lips thinned into a single line. "Looks like they switched plates, so we've hit a bit of a wall there." He stared at the picture, wincing slightly before scanning the note. "Not very direct about where and when they'll release him. If at all." He glanced at Gillian quickly, immediately regretting his comment. She was biting her lip and looking away but keeping it together.

"I know Ben." She met his eyes. "We have to try though."

He nodded, wishing he could help ease her pain. "I'm going to send someone out to survey the park now, see what our best positions will be."

"They said –"

"Believe me, my guys will blend. You're not going out there unprotected."

Nodding slightly, she started to move away. "If you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make."

It was a lot of money and a short amount of time. He watched as she walked toward her office, instinctively knowing that she needed to be alone.

(BREAK)

Returning her weapons to hiding, Tanya sat on the edge of the bed, contemplating events. There was no way she'd be able to get through this unscathed. Even if she were able to pull it off, she'd be hunted down. She had already accepted this. The authorities would be the least of her worries.

Surprise was definitely on her side. Tony would never see it coming. She'd been with the organization too damned long for him to suspect any kind of discord from her. Bill, on the other hand, was inherently suspicious of everyone but he also, as she'd pointed out to Cal, wasn't very smart. He _was _physically powerful and quite vicious though. If she tipped the Lightman Group and the cops and feds swarmed the house, he'd shoot their captive in the head without thinking twice.

Not for the first time, she wondered what she was thinking. She was risking _everything_. For what? She'd entered into this with the knowledge that it was just a job. Nothing more. Nothing less. Most of it was just a smokescreen and some awesome acting on her part to bring Lightman into the center of things. She'd played the damsel in distress perfectly. Tanya shook her head, cursing herself for her weakness. This should never have happened.

The thump of the front door indicated Bill's return. She always wondered how such a large person could slip in and out of places undetected, but weirdly enough, he was very good at that sort of thing. Footsteps and voices drifted up to her. Another voice was heard – Kaufman's. It seemed odd that this was simultaneously a good and a bad thing.

Tanya decided to head down and play the fly on the wall. As an afterthought, she grabbed the stun gun out of her bag, checked to make sure it was off and stuck it in the back of her jeans. Her button down shirt easily hid it.

All three men stopped and looked at her as she appeared at the bottom of the steps. Tony with a smirk, Bill with a glower and Kaufman with undisguised appreciation bordering on lust. She felt slightly nauseas as she grinned at them.

"Thought you were getting some rest." Tony raised his eyebrows in question.

"Tried, couldn't. Too much adrenaline I guess." She turned to Kaufman, carefully keeping her demeanor professional. "You do realize that you've got a very sick man downstairs."

"So I hear."

"The antibiotics haven't helped."

"Well, as we all know, that can happen. I brought a couple of different ones this time to try to knock out the infection."

"Let's hope it works." Tanya's smile was chilling and Kaufman frowned in discomfort. "If he dies, _someone_ is not going to be happy at all and will probably be looking to place some blame."

The old man stared, slightly pale.

"Okay, okay." Tony stepped in. "We're all on the same side here. Let's play nice." He turned to the old man. "Look, I'm not as much of a stickler as Tanya here, but he _has_ to be okay to travel. Arrangements have been made to ship him out tonight and he _cannot_ die on us. Get it?"

Tanya felt cold all of a sudden. Nervous perspiration prickled her scalp. _Tonight._ She thought she had more time. "Is moving him now a good idea?" She turned her attention to Kaufman, eyes bearing into his. "What's you're professional opinion, _doctor_?" She let the sarcasm practically drip off the word.

The old man's gaze flickered away from her to the basement door. "Best I get down to check on him." Humbled, he shuffled over, unlocked the door and disappeared beyond.

She didn't trust him and desperately wanted to follow but knew that she needed to stand her ground for at least a few more minutes. "So Tony, what's the game plan?"

The man smiled, apparently pleased with himself. "Drop's tomorrow night. I already have someone to pick it up for me – disposable of course, just in case. Lightman will already be in Brazil by that time anyway. Boss decided to keep his eyes on the prize."

Her eyes widened. "So, he's going to be living large for a bit?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that. But he'll be well taken care of, as long as he's a good boy. Once he's back on his feet, there'll be loads of work for him."

"Wow. Boss has his own portable lie detector. Better be careful, everyone's going to want one."

Tony snorted and even Bill gave a rare grin.

She flicked an eyebrow upward and gave them a sly smile. "Better go check on Dr. Doom." Knees shaking ever so slightly, she went to follow the old man.

(BREAK)

When Cal heard movement at the top of the stairs, he expected Tanya's return. He found himself disappointed and a little alarmed when the grizzled old man appeared instead.

"Ah, you're awake."

Cal just stared at him, feeling horrible and weak but wishing that he had something nice to look at. Trolls didn't make for pleasant viewing. "Who the hell are you?" His voice was annoyingly ineffectual.

The man didn't answer but proceeded to pull a folding chair over and check his vitals, grunting at the high fever. "Going to try a different antibiotic. Need to knock out that infection." He dug in his bag, pulling a bag of fluids, IV tubing, a vial and syringe. "Should of done this before but I guess I underestimated your worth."

"Thought so. You inept son of a bitch." Tanya was on the staircase shooting daggers.

The old man flashed guilt but immediately went on the defensive. "It's been a long time since I've done anything like this. I wasn't expecting to get a call in the middle of the night telling me to get my ass down here and patch up a gunshot victim."

Cal noticed Tanya's lip curled in contempt as she moved down the remaining stairs. Crossing toward the cot, she caught his eye but kept her face carefully blank.

"Are you just going to stand there and watch me?" Kaufman sounded irritated.

"Yup. Can't afford any more screw ups." Her voice was icy.

The old man managed to set up the IV without error, much to Tanya's relief. He found a stray nail half way up the wall to hang the bag to let gravity do its thing. She peeked over his shoulder at the vial he was currently drawing from. Antibiotic, nothing else. He proceeded to inject it into the bag's portal.

"Okay then. If you're lucky, this should do the trick." Her comments were directed at Kaufman.

"It should." Doing his best to ignore the woman, he dug in his bag once again, pulling out another vial.

"What's that?"

"Tony wanted to make sure that he was easy to transport. Doesn't want any issues."

Cal eyes were closed once again. He was gaunt and pale.

"Doesn't seem like much of a threat."

"Not likely."

Thinking quickly but not wanted to arouse suspicion she kept her voice casual, speculative. "Not sure when we're heading out. Maybe I should keep an eye on him and use it a little closer to the time. IV right? Not sub-q?"

He blinked at her. "Yeah, yeah. That would be best." Handing her the small bottle, he seemed anxious to get out of there. She really couldn't blame him. His ass was kind of on the line. She would have easily laid a wager that he'd been unreachable within the hour. "I'm going to go ahead and leave some extra supplies. He may need more fluids and another dose of antibiotics. You seem quite capable." Without another word, he was scuttling for the stairs and gone.

At the sound of the door, Cal's quiet voice reached her ears, although his eyes remained closed. "You certainly scare the shit out of him. A lot to you isn't there?"

"I suppose so."


	5. Chapter 5

THINGS SHOULD START TO KICK IN ABOUT NOW. I APOLOGIZE IF IT'S BEEN A BIT SLOW - JUST TRYING TO BUILD SUSPENSE. NOT SURE IF I WAS SUCCESSFUL. SO IT GOES... ;-)

"I'm starting to fly by the seat of my pants here though. He's shipping you out tonight, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to get you out of here in the next couple of hours."

"Why?"

She looked at him, slightly puzzled. "Why what?"

"Why are you risking your life to help me?" Cal stared at her, his eyes currently very aware and mindful.

The same question she'd been asking herself earlier. Why? She knew even if she hadn't fully admitted it to herself. "It's the right thing."

"Bollocks." He'd caught something that startled him and that was his first unthinking response.

Tanya smiled, trace sadness in her face. Instead of responding, she pulled her eyes away and busied herself with the bag of fluids. She adjusted the rate and gave it a gentle squeeze to step it up a bit. "I need to go back upstairs." She turned away.

Cal watched as she left him.

**(BREAK)**

Tony and Bill were in deep discussion in the kitchen.

She grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat down with them, outside demeanor cool and collected, inside twisted and anxious. She was disappointed to find that their talk focused on college football and not anything important.

"Kaufman was really anxious to get the hell outta here." Tony pulled out of the conversation to address her.

"The man's an idiot."

He shrugged, as if to say that it all was good. "He mentioned that you stopped him from sedating our friend."

Tanya managed boredom. "Didn't think it was necessary at the moment. He can barely lift his head right now."  
>"Right now." Tony's voice dipped slightly. "We know how smart he is. He could be playing weaker than he is."<p>

"Are you calling _me_ an idiot?" She challenged him, eyes steely.

"Calm down. I'm just saying we need to be careful."

"I understand that, but seriously? He just got shot a few days ago. He's lost a lot of blood and that infection is still compounding matters. Are you saying that _we_ can't handle _one_ wounded man?"

His eyes narrowed slightly as he stared at her. Something seemed off about her behavior.

She pushed on, noting the shift in gaze. "I think it would be better to wait until just before we're heading to the landing strip. Won't have the option of attracting attention if he's sleeping like a baby."

Tony stared at her before slowly nodding. "Alright."

The woman wasn't sure if he was acknowledging her being right or just her argument. She decided that it would better to throw him a bone. "Whatever you think Tony. Sorry. I'm just pent up – I want all this over and behind me already." She took a sip of her soda.

He gave her a smile and pushed away from the table. "Need to drain the lizard."

"Charming, Tony."

Bill stared at her, unblinking. He was shaped like a Grizzly, easily 6'4" and 250 lbs. She felt a wave of fear but returned the stare. "Something on your mind tiny?"

His upper lip rose in a sneer before he got up and lumbered away. Fortunately, his leash was pretty short. For now.

On slightly shaky legs, she went upstairs.

**(BREAK)**

Cal was riding the wave somewhere between wakefulness and sleep. His eyes suddenly popped open when he sensed movement.

A figure stood above him, injecting something into the bag of fluids.

He blinked purposely clearing his vision before Tony looked down at him with a grin. "Good afternoon sunshine."

Contempt knotted Cal's features as he darkly stared up at the other man.

"Whew. I don't even have to be an expert to read that one." He reached down and lightly slapped Cal's face. "Going to be good night sunshine very soon. Things will look better in the morning." He chuckled at his own joke before tossing the syringe in the trash and disappearing upstairs.

As soon as he had gone, Cal forced his right hand to do at least _some_ of his bidding. Just moving his fingers stoked the shocked nerves in his shoulder causing a wave of agony so intense he had to purposely bite his cheek in an attempt to keep some focus. The fingers didn't really want to work but he had to get the IV needle out of his left hand. Awkwardly, he attempted to pull at the tape anchoring it into his skin but didn't have enough dexterity. With a grunt, he covered one hand with the other, managed to curl his fingers around the large needle and unceremoniously rip it and the tubing out of the back of his hand. Blood ran freely from the damaged vein while fluid from the bag dribbled onto the floor. Eyes watering, he continued to cover the site with his weak hand in an attempt to stem the flow.

**(BREAK)**

Tanya closed the door behind her and immediately went for her guns. She couldn't wait any longer. Moving the stun gun to her pocket, she pushed the Ruger into the waistband of her jeans. She left the Glock on the bed while she searched through though the nightstand drawer for Cal's phone. She had pocketed it in the confusion of earlier events and now scanned through his phonebook. Naturally Gillian Foster's number was at the top of the list, right after his daughter. She tapped out a text and hit 'send.'

**(BREAK)**

Gillian sat in her office awaiting a call back from one of the banks. The money wasn't easy to raise, considering how cash poor their company had become, but credit still spoke volumes.

She stared off blankly, gnawing at her lip, trying not to think. Exhaustion was taking its toll and wasn't done yet. Every time she closed her eyes, unbidden images entered her consciousness and she'd suddenly jerk awake. Cal had been is so many bad situations before this and had always managed to slide through with barely a scratch. How long could that kind of luck hold up? He wasn't invincible – she sometimes wondered if he was even aware of that fact.

Her text ring went off in the stillness causing her to jump.

With a sigh, she reached over and grabbed her phone.

Looking at the message, her eyes widened.

[**Cal needs you now. Stealth best. 1458 Pinehurst Drive. -T.]**

Gillian was on her feet and into the hallway in seconds.

**(BREAK)**

Keeping the Glock close to her leg, Tanya slowly crept downstairs. She could hear the sound of the t.v. from the living room area and hoped that both men were gripped by whatever lame ass entertainment currently danced across the screen. Peeking around the corner from the stairwell, she could see that the kitchen was empty. She crossed quickly to the basement door and slipped down into the dimness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry – this is a really short chapter but I really wanted to get it out there anyway. Got to keep up that suspense! (I hope) **

"What happened?" Tanya immediately took his hand, applying pressure. The blood flow had already started to slow.

"I pulled it out. He injected something into the bag." Cal felt slightly dopey, hoping whatever had been absorbed had only been minimal.

Making sure he'd stopped bleeding, she reached over and grabbed the tiny vial next to the medical bag. Gently, she rolled it in her palm. Her brows knitted together in a frown. Propofol. Not good.

She stood, looking down at him and weighed their chances. He looked waxy and pale with dark smudges under his eyes. Seemed much too weak to be able to take care of himself. She hoped that she misjudged. Tanya placed the Glock on the table and pulled the Ruger from her waistband. He watched without comment, his face tightening ever so slightly. "You take this. I get the feeling that you're probably familiar?"

Cal nodded. His dominant hand was quite useless. He hoped he could reasonably play the lefty marksman for the day.

"Do you need some help sitting up?"

He didn't answer, once again using his stomach muscles to curl forward and push himself upright with his left arm. A hiss of pain escaped his lips and she automatically reached out a hand to him.

Back against the wall, he shut his eyes for a moment, his voice quiet. "I really feel like shit."

Tanya smiled, tears welling at he corners of her eyes. She shook her head and pushed them back. "Well, you've looked better."  
>"Thanks."<p>

"Here." Switching off the safety, she offered him the gun, watching him as he grasped it. He gently lowered the weapon to the mattress.

"Tanya!" Tony's voice floated down from the kitchen. "I need you up here!"

"Be there in a sec!" She didn't want to risk him coming down looking for her.

Tanya looked down at Cal, noting his eyes widen slightly, concern evident. She picked up the other gun and turned to leave, but his hand reached out and took hers, stilling her actions and making her heart leap.

Deep gratitude warmed his eyes. Nothing more, nothing less. There was no sign of what she hoped would be there.

With a nod and a tight smile, she pulled out of his grasp and moved toward the stairs, tucking the Glock in her waistband and pulling her blouse down over it.

**(BREAK)**

She took a deep breath before opening the door and stepped into the kitchen. "Wow. Lightman's zonked. What did you give him?"

Tony was leaning against the counter. He seemed almost coiled like a panther, yet he shrugged. "Just what Kaufman left for him."

"Guess you didn't want to take any chances."

"Exactly."

At that moment, she noticed Bill had lumbered in from the living room. He stood just a few feet behind Tony. They both stared at her.

A chill started to creep up her spine. Something was wrong.

Tony walked toward her slowly, a smile on his lips that didn't quite make the leap to his eyes. She fought the urge to take a step back and just looked at him. She hoped her mask didn't slip.

"What's going on?"

"I was just going to ask you the same thing.'

Her eyes slid past Tony and found Bill smirking at her. Uh oh.

She fought to appear unruffled. "A clue would be good."

"Yeah, I guess a clue _would _be good." His voice was softly mocking, his eyes darkening. "I'm trying to understand something Tanya."

"What would that be?"

"Why would you put your ass on the line for this guy?"

She felt her mask falter, but just for a moment. Hoped he didn't notice.

Unfortunately he did. "Are you fucking nuts?" His soft voice snapped into a yell. "Are you in love with him?"

"Of course not! What the hell are you talking about?" She could feel panic starting to rise in her belly. A cold sweat broke along her hairline.

Tony took another step closer. She flinched involuntarily when he pulled something from his pocket and held it at eye level.

Cal's phone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hope y'all are enjoying this! Thank you so much for your reviews. Always LOVE comments and suggestions! ;-)**

Tanya stared at the cell phone, her mind racing frantically, but to know avail. She felt herself whiten as her heart accelerated.  
>"I particularly found the last text sent quite interesting." Tony approached, the hand holding the phone waving casually. Bill stood back, a smile plastered upon his dull face.<p>

Breaking out of her self imposed trance, she started to pull the handgun from the front of her jeans, but before she could finish the motion, Tony's strong hand curled around her wrist, twisting it painfully. A small cry broke from her lips as the gun dropped. Blinking away tears, her lips curled into a snarl. Her other hand yanked the other weapon from her front pocket. Hitting the button, she jammed the taser into the man's stomach.

Shock crossed his features as his eyes bulged. He unceremoniously dropped to the tile, hitting hard. A slow stain spread out across his groin as his bladder emptied.

Stepping over the prone form, she scrambled for her gun.

A large hand grabbed her by the arm, swung her around and swatted the taser out of her hand. Bill's hulking form stood before her, watching as she struggled against his grip. "You fucked up big time."

Not bothering to respond, she jammed her heel into his instep before bringing her knee up into his testicles. He grunted in pain and his grip loosened, allowing her to wrestle free.

Tanya had just managed to pick up the Glock before a powerful blow sent her headfirst into the kitchen cabinet. Pain radiated from her head, down into her neck and back while dark spots obscured her vision. She sunk down against the cool tile.

She felt and heard heavy boots cross toward her and cringed, expecting another blow. It didn't come.

With effort, she lifted her aching head and froze at the scene unfolding before her.

Cal had somehow navigated the basement stairs. He had propped himself up against the wall, head leaning back, staring at the larger man from under hooded eyes.

"You don't want to do that mate." His voice was soft but menacing.

She could only see Bill's face in silhouette, but even so, she could see the twisting of his lips to one side. Could easily imagine those mean little eyes staring down at Cal. Pulling herself up to a sitting position, she scanned for her gun but it was nowhere to be found. The taser was on the other side of the kitchen, near where Tony still lay in a heap.

Cal knew that if he moved away from the wall, he'd be down in seconds. His vision kept blurring as he struggled to fight off the drug and crippling pain. It was readily apparent that the big guy didn't see him as any kind of threat. A cruel smile had pulled at the man's features as he had brought his foot back to kick at the woman. He only stopped in surprise at Cal's appearance. Now the man stood, pulling himself to his full height as he stared in amusement at the smaller man. A smaller man that was obviously in danger of collapsing at any moment.

Tanya gazed at Cal, her heart clenching at the sight of him. In the bright light of the kitchen, he looked ghastly. His face held no color, sweat ran down his face and bare chest and his wound had reopened. The bandage was saturated, and blood seeped from underneath.

"Okay, doc. This would be funny if it weren't so pathetic." Bill took a step forward.

At that moment, they both watched as Cal went down to one knee, eyes blinking heavily. Tanya gasped, tears filling and overflowing. _No_.

Bill chuckled and took another step, reaching out to grab hold of the smaller man.

At that moment, Cal moved the pistol up and away from his left side. Dark fury settled into his features. He pulled the trigger.

The gunshot echoed in the kitchen as time stopped for several moments.

Bill slowly fell backward, knocking into the table before hitting the kitchen floor and remaining still. The headshot had been deadly accurate.

Cal squinted at the spray of blood against the kitchen wall before sliding the rest of the way down to the tile. He watched as Tanya crawled toward him, noting a nasty bruise darkening above her left eye. It looked quite painful. _So very tired_.

Somewhere in the distance he heard crashing and yelling. He didn't bother to analyze it. Didn't care any longer. Blissful darkness moved in and carried him away.

Tanya pulled herself to him, awkwardly taking him in her arms. She knew that it would be her only opportunity.

When Ben entered the kitchen, weapon drawn with his men flanking him and additional FBI agents moving in from all available angles, he stared in puzzlement at the scene laid out before him. One man quite dead, one down but starting to stir in his own puddle of piss, and the blonde woman looking battered but holding and rocking an unconscious Lightman. A gun was still clutched in his left hand.

He crept forward, gently taking the Ruger from Cal's limp fingers. He handed it to one of his men before reaching out and checking the man's pulse. In truth, he looked almost dead, but he was able to detect a thready heartbeat.

"EMTs just arrived sir." A voice informed him from behind.

Ben nodded and turned his attention to the woman. "Up. Now."

She stared at him for a moment before turning her eyes back to Cal. Crying softly, she pushed his damp hair back and gently pressed her lips against his forehead. Tanya slowly pulled away and climbed to her feet.

**(BREAK)**

The paramedics had just lifted Cal onto the gurney when Gillian arrived. Pushing past throngs of FBI agents and cops, she made her way to his side, eyes widening in horror and panic. "Oh my God, Cal!" She took his hand, bringing it her cheek and stared down at him. Tears overwhelmed her as she absorbed everything that her eyes took in. This couldn't be happening. He was so very pale.

At her voice, he stirred ever so slightly. Lids parted and unfocused eyes peered up at her. He managed a smirk. "Hey luv."

Gillian smiled through her tears. "You really need to stop this. You're giving me gray hair." A sob escaped her despite her best efforts.

"Shhhh." His fingers moved weakly against her face, brushing her lips lightly with his thumb. "I'm okay. It's fine."

She kissed his palm as his eyes closed again.

Tanya stood across the room watching. There was no way she could misjudge their interaction. At that moment she hated Gillian Foster, even if that hate was unfounded.

As if sensing the animosity directed at her, Gillian pulled her gaze away from Cal and made eye contact with the blonde. She felt no anger herself. Not anymore. She gently placed Cal's hand on his chest, gave him another lingering look and proceeded to approach Tanya.

They stood face to face, not speaking for several long moments. Gillian was the first to break the silence. "What made you send that text?" The question was a little more forthright than usual.

The other woman's eyes shifted away, apparently weighing an answer. "I couldn't let them use him like that."

"It seems like you were in on this from the very beginning."

Tanya didn't answer. Didn't deny it. She just looked down, wrestling with her emotions once again. They were running way too close to the surface.

"Why the change of heart?"

She remained quiet, but managed to look up and catch Foster's eye. All the anguish and pain in her look almost took Gill's breath away.

"You're in love with him." It wasn't a question. Gillian felt a knot growing in her stomach.

Tears began to roll down Tanya's cheeks. "Doesn't matter does it?"

"Why would you say that?"

The blonde woman slowly shook her head and took a breath. Her voice was very low. "No matter what I did, it didn't matter. I tried so hard, but all he wants is you."

With that, one of agents led her away.

Gillian stared after her, mouth hanging open slightly, brow furrowing.

Changing gears, she smoothed her composure and proceeded to accompany Cal to the hospital.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hope y'all are liking this. Let me know! Headed for a bit more angst now... BTW, don't own "Lie to Me" (Big shock there I know) ;-)**

Gillian left her car figuring that she'd worry about it later and rode with Cal in the ambulance. The paramedics had run an IV into him, as well as fitted an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. A clean gauze square was taped over his wound. Although blood was seeping through, the flow seemed to have ebbed to just a slow trickle. He hadn't stirred since his brief greeting to her.

She loosely held his hand and just watched him. There was some comfort in the steady rise and fall of his chest, but he looked completely used up and worn out. The usual stubble had grown into a short sandy colored beard giving his face its only color. This little misadventure had brought him close to the edge and she wasn't sure how she would handle it if he'd fallen over. Ironically he had accused someone else of being an adrenaline junky but he would never look in the mirror and point those amazing powers of observation at himself. Gillian didn't know if he even realized how much he had to lose. The woman had just been one more thing to lead him astray – he could never resist a pretty face, especially one that claimed to be in jeopardy. Those variables had the capacity to make him careless. Her mind wandered back to Tanya's comments back at the house. They reverberated through her with such force that she felt jumbled and confused inside, almost barely able to breath. _All he wants is you_. The words had been bathed in acid, yet they had been delivered with complete honesty.

The ambulance slowed to a stop and the back doors were immediately pulled open. Gillian pressed her lips against his hand watching his face for any movement. There was none. Not that she really expected any at this point. She hopped down, accompanying Cal only as far as they allowed. She was directed to the waiting room when they pushed him into treatment. Exhaustion shadowing her features, she pulled out her cell and called Emily.

**(BREAK)**

One of the first things he noticed was the smell of alcohol and disinfectant. He wrinkled his nose. Hospital. Part of him was relieved while the rest of him was annoyed. The next thing he noticed was movement close to him. The pleasant fragrance of familiar perfume temporarily masked all unpleasant scents currently attacking his sinuses. Cal let out a sigh. Gillian. He opened his eyes to slits and stared up into her face through his lashes. "Hey darlin'."

Her smile was the sun peeking out from behind dark clouds, although he could detect a tiny bit of reservation. A slight frown creased his brow but dissipated quickly. He was just happy to see her.

"Hi Cal. How are you feeling?" Taking care not to jostle his bad shoulder, she sat on the bed next to him.

"Tired."

"I bet. You're looking a lot better though." She reached over and gently brushed his beard with her fingertips. "But not sure about this."

"You don't think it's becoming?" He gave her a groggy smile.

"I'll let you know."

"Is Emily - ?"

"She just left to get a bit of sleep Cal. She'll be back this afternoon."

He nodded and watched as her face grew serious. His heart began to sink. _Here we go._

"You know the only reason you got out of there is because your _girlfriend_ had second thoughts right?"

"Not girlfriend."

She looked at him incredulously. "That's all you have to say?"

He shrugged, the action causing him to grimace in pain. "Shit." The oath barely left his lips before he pushed on. "I wish I knew what to say or what to tell you." He continued in a whisper. "There was just something about her. It was almost like she needed to be saved….from herself. Her background didn't give her much of an out. Just a vicious circle." Sadness settled into his eyes. "Arrested?"

"Yes, but I think her actions will stand in her favor."

"If she survives that long."

Gillian frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Tony Jackson and party are just the tip of iceberg. Pretty sure that the real puppet master is out of the country. They were planning on shuttling me out too but I'm not sure where."

"The ransom was just a smoke screen."

"Yeah."

"If she turns States Evidence, she should get her fresh start."

"Or a bullet in her brain."

It was Gillian's turn to be without words for a moment. She took his hand, gently rubbing circles over his skin with her thumb. "She cares a great deal about you."

Cal looked up into her face, hazel eyes still filled with sadness. "You know that I never – "  
>"I know." Her voice had not a single trace of doubt.<p>

Confused, he stared at her. "How can you be so sure?"

"She told me." Gillian touched his face. "She's in love with you but you never reciprocated."

Cal felt his mouth sag open before closing it with a snap. "She _told_ you that?"

"More or less."

"What else did she say?"

Gillian immediately felt uncomfortable, not believing this the time or place for this discussion. Especially since she wasn't completely sure about her own feelings. She needed to sort things out a bit more before she could sail into those rather choppy waters. "I think we need to save this for when you're feeling a bit better."

He noted the obvious deflection but didn't comment. "I guess Reynolds will be by soon to chat."

"When you're up for it."

A slow breath leaked out from between his teeth. "That's probably something I could wait on."

"You were in pretty bad shape Cal. How much do you remember?"

"Bits and pieces mostly, but…" he swallowed and looked at her directly. His eyes were filled with torment. "…but I do know that I killed a man."

She looked away briefly. There had been a covered body on the floor in the kitchen. A _large_ body. Gillian had not directly looked. Her only concern had been Cal. Everything else was secondary. "Bill Kimler."

Nodding, his jaw set. "I should feel worse that I took a life, but Gill, I don't."

She leaned closer to him, hand moving to caress his face. "I think the circumstances were justified."

"I bloody well know they were." His voice became angry quickly but it faded just as quickly. He looked tired again.

Gillian moved even closer, her scent washing over him once again. She pressed her lips against his brow before pulling back and looking into his eyes. There was some hesitation and Cal inadvertently held his breath as he watched her. "You need to get some rest." She brushed the back of her fingers against his cheek, her expression soft but going frustratingly enigmatic on him. Then she was up and gone.

He stared after her, confusion twisting around his fatigue. For once, he was at a complete loss when it came to Gillian.

**(BREAK)**

Emily shouldered his overnight bag and hovered as Cal pulled himself from the passenger's seat.

He'd only been held in the hospital a few days but had been uncharacteristically quiet much of the time and Emily was worried. She knew that he'd gone through a lot but in the past he seemed to bounce back a little faster. This time it was like the experience had physically and mentally aged him. Further compounding matters was the fact that Gillian seemed to have distanced herself from him. Emily wasn't sure the exact reasoning for this but could only surmise that it was probably her dad's inadvertent (or advertent, knowing him) doing. He was definitely hurting because of it though.

She moved on ahead to unlock the front door, casting several glances over her shoulder to check on him. He was moving a little slower and with less of a swagger. It could easily be pain, pain pills or something else.

When he passed her to go into the house, he paused and gave her a quick peck on the cheek and a half smile. "Thanks luv." He immediately headed to his room, carefully climbing the stairs, left hand gripping the railing.

"Did you want anything to eat dad?" She stared at his retreating back, eyes suddenly moist.

There was an answering grunt. "Nah darlin'. I'll grab something later." With that he disappeared.

Fighting back tears, her jaw suddenly set. She would have been startled to hear that it made her look very much like her dad. Emily pulled out her phone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Keeping it angst-y for now. They have a few things they need to work out, don't you think? ;-)**

"Is everything okay?" Gillian answered Emily's call with a panic tinged voice. She had been purposely staying away in an attempt to work through her feelings, but he was always on the periphery of her thoughts if not the focal point. More than once she had picked up the phone before setting it back down. She knew she was already heavily invested but she couldn't quite allow the next step. Debilitating fear currently kept her in stasis.

Emily paused, surprised at the other woman's tone, before proceeding carefully. She felt like she was tiptoeing through a minefield. "Uh, not really."

"What happened?"

"Well, he's okay…physically. I mean he seems to be healing alright from what I can tell, but he's…" Emily sighed, slightly frustrated. "Look, I don't know what's going on with the two of you. I'm sure whatever happened is Dad's fault, but Gill, I'm kind of worried. He's barely spoken in the last four days. He didn't even berate the staff at the hospital. We got back a few minutes ago and he just went to his room."

"Honey, I think he just has a lot to work through."

"Maybe." Emily felt hot tears begin to run and brushed them away impatiently. "I just don't remember ever seeing him like this. Even when Mom left. It's like he's just a shadow of himself."

Gillian's insides clenched painfully while she wrestled with what could be and what should be. "I think that you just need to give him a bit more time. What happened is going to leave a scar on him. It was _that_ bad. But sweetie, your Dad is a strong man and he'll come to terms in his own way."

The girl felt the first stirring of anger. "So, you're not going to come?"

"I can't right now."

"Can't or won't?"

_What could she say? _"Look, I'll touch base in a few days. I think he just needs to rest right now."

Emily stared at the phone, aghast. She controlled her voice, trying hard to keep out the sharp edges, but only partially succeeding. "Like I said, I don't know what's going on with you two but I do know one thing. Right now he needs his best friend." And then she was gone.

The words may as well have been cold, sharp steel for all the pain they caused her. Gillian leaned over clutching her arms around her, the sobs coming slowly at first and then with increasing speed and strength. Her eyes stung and blurred in a sea of tears.

**(BREAK)**

"Dad?" Emily poked her head through the bedroom door.

All the lights were off and she could just barely make out his inert form on the bed. It didn't even look like he had pulled off his boots. He didn't answer but she suspected he was awake. She stepped quietly, just in case, but as she got closer, the dim moonlight sifted through the curtains and caught the shine of his eyes. They weren't really focused, just staring haphazardly at the far wall. Blinking, he shifted his gaze to her as she approached. "Hey Em."

"Hey Dad. I was just going to make something to eat. Was kind of hoping that you'd come downstairs and join me."

He stared at her blankly. After a few long moments, she wondered if he was actually staring _through_ her. She found it unnerving. "Dad?"

Cal startled. "I'm sorry luv, what was that you were sayin'?"

"Uh, dinner. Was going to make some."

"Not really hungry."

Emily bit her lip, pushing down her persistent tears. "Want to at least come downstairs? Maybe we could watch a movie."

Almost declining, Cal stopped himself as he caught his daughter's expression. Worry. Fear. Misery. And it was all his fault. _What the hell was he doing? _ "Sure, just give me a bit to get on my feet. Feeling my age and all that."

"I would imagine a bullet might have something to with it."

"Oi. Lame excuse." He gave her the best grin he could muster. It felt wooden and he hoped she wouldn't hold it against him. Cal slowly pulled himself up, cringing slightly and clenching his jaw. He swayed slightly as Emily watched him, eyes huge. "No worries. I'm okay." They both knew that was a lie but neither commented. She moved close to his side and he looped his good arm around her shoulders. "I'll tell you what. Ladies choice for the flick tonight. Just try to be kind."

"Sure Dad."

"Was that sarcasm?"

"Not at all."

"Uh huh."

They wandered downstairs together, moving slowly. Emily held on to him tightly, knowing that if he fell he'd just take her with him, but trying to be his rock regardless. She guided him to the couch without incident and watched as he fell back into the pillows, his eyes closing and his face contorting in pain. He definitely looked better than when she first saw him in the hospital but that didn't mean he looked _good_. His pallor was still a couple of shades too light, making his eyes appear slightly sunken.

"Can I get you something?" Emily expected that it was probably about time for his painkillers. She hoped that he'd be okay about taking them. It made her crazy when he'd try to play the martyr.

"Yeah." He looked up at her carefully, almost like he was memorizing her. She stared back, eyebrows raised. "Tea would be good."

"I'm on it."

She brought him his meds with some water and proceeded to put the kettle on for his tea. Emily prepared a quick sandwich for herself, snarfing it while she waited.

When she came back out of the kitchen she was startled to see that he had retreated into himself again. He stared beyond everything and she couldn't help but wonder what he was seeing. How terrible was it? _Did his mum do this kind of thing?_ The horror of that thought settled into her as she stifled a sob.

She brought his tea to him regardless, setting it on the coffee table, before heading over to the media tower where they stored their movies. Making an executive decision, she pulled "Alien" off the shelf, knowing that it was one of his favorites and proceeded to set things up and get the film started. Emily dimmed the lights and returned to the couch. He still hadn't said a word, although he unconsciously wrapped his left arm around her, drawing her to his side. Emily cuddled next to her dad, eyes still bright with tears and worry.

**(BREAK)**

John Hurt had just lost his dinner and innards when the doorbell rang.

Cal didn't give any indication that he'd heard, so Emily paused the film with a sigh and crossed to the door.

Gillian stood on the other side. "Hi Emily.'

Relief visibly washed over the girl but it was obvious that she still held on to a tiny point of anger. Gill could hardly blame her. She only had her father's best interests at heart.

"I thought you weren't coming." It was almost a challenge.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong."

Her brown eyes softening, Emily moved to the side to allow the older woman entrance. She could never stay angry at Gillian.

"How is he?"

The girl shut the door before standing awkwardly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I'm not sure."

"Em?" His voice drifted out from the living room.

"Yeah Dad." Her eyes drifted to Gillian's. "We have a visitor."

Silence.

Emily returned to the living room, with Gillian right behind her.

Cal looked up, his expression guarded. "Gill."

"Hi Cal."

They studied one another for several long moments. Her expression pained and tentative, his shifting into confusion spiked with a tiny bit of anger.

Emily was just happy that his face hadn't remained blank.

"To what do we owe this honor luv?" He noted a brief, silent exchange between the women. "Emily called you. Made you feel guilty?" His tone remained dry but not quite hostile.

"She did call me. She's worried about you."

"How about you?"

Gillian felt tears start to burn. "Of course I'm worried."

Emily inwardly debated about whether she wanted to leave them alone before deciding it might be best. There seemed to be some underlying issues that needed to be worked out. "Dad?"

He tore his eyes from Foster with some effort.

"I think I'm going to call it a night. We'll finish the movie another time."

He stared at her before nodding. "Sure luv."

Nothing was said while Emily popped out the film and closed out the t.v. and other components. "Good night Dad." She crossed to give her dad a quick peck on the cheek.

"Night darlin'."

"Good night Gill." Her eyes gave the older woman a silent thank you.

"Good night Emily."

She scuttled upstairs, but decided to leave her bedroom door ever so slightly ajar.


	10. Chapter 10

**Here we go... ;-)**

"How are you Cal?"

"Peachy." The glib response slipped easily off his tongue but he immediately regretted it. Tilting his head to the side, he gave her an appraising look. Her make up was less than perfect and her eyes were pink and slightly swollen. "You've been crying."

Gillian looked away, muscles in her face contorting as she struggled to control her emotions. The last thing she wanted was to burst into tears again. She took a deep breath, still not looking at him.

"You could have a seat luv. I promise not to bite too hard." His voice had gone gentle.

She sat down, choosing to sit in the armchair instead of next to him. Her eyes finally found his, startled at the depth of sadness she found there. Any semblance of anger was gone.

"What else did Tanya say to you?" His inquiry was tentative. "I know that you're upset with me. To be honest, I don't blame you. I _did_ fuck up. But it almost seems….worse this time, yeah?" His voice dropped even lower. "Or is it just the final straw? Is that why you've stayed away?"

Biting her lip, she tried to form her thoughts into words. Usually it wasn't this hard. "Cal, I've had a lot to think about. I don't even know if you can imagine everything that's been through my mind these last several days."

"You could tell me."

She smiled, eyes a little too bright much to her own annoyance. "I'm not sure if it would do any good." He looked miserable and that made the tears threaten even more. Gillian pushed them back almost angrily.

"Are you willing to try? Or is this little conversation pointless?" He sounded resigned.

"Cal, I need to ask you something."

"'Course, darlin'." He sounded tired, even to himself, but for some reason, his heart started to beat a little more quickly.

She leaned forward, staring directly into his eyes. "Cal, how do you feel about me?"

He blinked, completely caught off guard. "What?"

"You heard me."

Her eyes had turned dark blue with intensity. He couldn't tear his own away. "You know I care about you."

"Yes, I know that Cal. But I need complete honestly right now. I need to know where I stand."

Forgetting to breathe, he took a gulp of air shakily into his lungs. Furrowing his brow, his eyes couldn't pull themselves away from hers. He felt dizzy.

"Cal, do you love me?"

Emily's music could be heard ever so slightly from upstairs. The a/c unit kicked in with a low hum. Somewhere in the neighborhood, a dog barked and was quickly answered by another. Several cars passed on the street outside – one needed a new muffler. Other than that, it was quiet.

Their eye contact continued to hold.

"Very much so." His words were no louder than a whisper, but they came out unbidden and completely truthful. As he watched her it occurred to him that he'd never felt so emotionally out of control in his life.

Tears breaking free and overflowing were Gillian's only initial response.

Cal felt sick to his stomach. These did not appear to be tears of happiness. His eyes slid to some fixed point beyond her as he retreated from this open, raw nerve. He was moving away and felt powerless to stop it. An oppressive blanket was being pulled over him. It was becoming more and more familiar and it scared the hell out of him. Was this what it had been like for _her_?

A soft hand gently turned his head and he was suddenly looking into Gillian's beautiful eyes. They were filled with tenderness. "Cal. Do you want to know what she said?" He didn't respond, so she pushed ahead. "She said that no matter how hard she tried she was not able to lure you into any kind of relationship."

Cal didn't comment. He just looked at her.

"She said," her voice wavered slightly. "She said that _I_ was the only thing that you wanted."

Something clicked in his head. He pulled completely back from his self-imposed exile and _really_ looked at her. That _had _been tenderness he saw earlier. And there were even more emotions presenting themselves to him as he watched. A slow smile played at the corners of his mouth. "That would be true."

Ever so slowly he moved his hand up to her face, gently brushing her cheek with his fingertips and thumb. He leaned toward her as much as he physically was able.

She watched him, completely mesmerized. This was not the plan. Gillian had promised herself that she wouldn't let this happen. The fact that she did indeed love him was entirely incidental at this point. The fact was that she _couldn't _allow herself to love him. The fact was that being with him would be akin to being with a police officer or a firefighter. The fact was that she could never be certain that he'd come home to her in one piece…

The fact was that his lips were gently on hers creating an electrical spark unlike anything she'd ever know. She moved closer to him, one hand on his face, his new beard soft against her fingers, the other around the back of his neck. The kiss was sweet and softly passionate but with the definitive promise of something bigger and better on the horizon.

Cal pulled away begrudgingly, knowing his current limits. He leaned his forehead against hers. "Did I overstep?" His voice was teasing.

"Maybe a little."

"Sorry."

"Don't be." Gillian brushed her lips against his again, enjoying the energy they seemed to share. She suddenly moved her head back but kept eye contact. "Wait a minute. You're distracting me."

His eyebrows rose in amusement. "Takes two luv."

Her expression sobered while she took in his appearance. He still seemed weak and had obviously lost a little weight. His experience had affected him physically obviously, but mentally as well. Would this be the last time he put himself in danger? If she was going to be with him, he couldn't keep doing this to himself or her. At the same time, how could she ask him to be less than he was? It was almost a paradox. She loved him for who he was but she needed him to change for her to be with him. What kind of sense did that make? Her mind was so muddled. Shaking her head she tried to clear it.

"Gillian?" Worry had begun to seep into his eyes. "You need to talk to me."

"I'm afraid."

"Don't be."

"I can't help it." She took a deep breath and attempted to press on. "When you were gone, I had to keep a poker face the whole time. I had to keep things professional. I didn't want the rest of the staff to know what a mess I was inside. Loker and Torres knew of course, but they knew better than to say anything. Do you have any idea how hard that was?"

Reaching out a hand, Cal gently pushed her hair behind her ear. He didn't say anything. He watched and waited.

"But it wasn't the first time. It seems like you do this on a set schedule or something. Over the last several days I've had a chance to work out some of my feelings but I don't think I'm any better for it."

His hand lightly trailed from her shoulder and down her arm, elicited gooseflesh. He was trying once again to distract her and from her expression, it was close to working. Kissing her again, he felt a shudder run through her body. She returned his kiss before pushing against him, a little harder than she intended. He grunted in pain, his eyes following as she got to her feet and moved to a safe distance. "I'm sorry Cal, but I need to get this out. You need to understand why this won't work."

Leaning his head back against the couch cushion he regarding her through hooded eyes. "Why won't this work Gillian?"

"Aren't you even listening?"

"Yes."

"I don't think you are."

He leaned forward with a grimace, his eyes darkening with intensity. "What if I told you that I feel like I'm done with _everything_? What if I told you that every time I close my eyes I picture putting a bullet in some guy's brain? What if I told you that when I was being held captive, all I could think was what if I never got to see you again? Or Emily. My mind is a confused mess of dark thoughts and worries and I can't… seem… to… control them." His voice had risen, trembling slightly. Gillian stared back, startled at the sudden change.

Breathing hard, Cal's eyes dropped to the floor. Fatigue enveloped him once again. "Maybe it would be best if you left."

Gillian didn't move. She watched as he ran a hand over his face as if trying to wipe his expression clean. He slumped back again, eyes still down.

"I'm not going anywhere." Her tone was firm. She sat back down next to him and gently wrapped her arms around him. He leaned his cheek against her shoulder, inhaling her comforting scent and allowed his eyes to close.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry that there's been a bit of a lag on this one. Hope you all enjoy this new chapter. Reviews would be awesome.**

* * *

><p>Somehow that night, she was able to get him upstairs and into bed but when she went to leave, he reached out a hand and grabbed hers. He held on like a drowning man as no words passed between them. He just stared into her eyes, his own fatigued, pained, confused and a jumble of other emotions. Gillian considered, but only for a moment. Kicking off her shoes, she lay down next to him. Not being as mobile, he lay somewhat stiffly on his back, but she curled next to him, looping one arm around his ribcage, her head against his good shoulder. Sleep gradually overtook both of them.<p>

**(BREAK)**

During the night, Gill was pulled from deep sleep by Cal's thrashing. His face glistened with sweat, breaths coming hard and fast as he mumbled incoherently.

Pushing herself upright, she reached out, touching his cheek, smoothing his hair back. "Shhh. You're fine." Her voice was barely audible, but it was enough. He gradually stilled, but didn't awaken.

She watched his face in the dim moonlight filtering in through the window. He was quiet, but not peaceful. He looked pinched and stressed even in sleep.

PTSD. Depression. Gill wondered if he'd be willing to see someone. Cal could be so proud and stubborn but he'd gone through a very traumatic situation. He needed help to work through it. She wondered what the odds were that he'd agree. Possibly, with a little push from Emily. She had to try.

At that moment, he jerked into wakefulness, a cry dying on his lips. He looked around in a panic, before recognition began to settle in. Cal's eyes finally locked on Gillian's. "Sorry. Did I wake you?" he sounded raspy, but the tone was gentle.

"No. I was already awake. You okay?" She touched his face again.

"Yeah, just some nightmares." His eyes remained on hers, vulnerability etched in his face. "I'm glad you're here."

She scooted up near the headboard so she could more easily put her arms around him. Her fear of hurting him made the endeavor quite awkward. "I'm sorry I wasn't before."

"You had lots of good reasons. I hope not so much now."

A dry chuckle passed her lips. "Oh they're still there Cal, I'm just working around them."

The feeble attempt at a joke led to several minutes of silence.

She thought that he'd fallen back asleep and immediately wanted to kick herself. The last thing he needed was more guilt.

And then, "I'm sorry for everything Gillian. You're stuck at this...this emotional…crossroads and it's completely my fault."

It was her turn to be at a loss for words.

"I'm not sure what direction you'll choose," he voice lowered to an agonized whisper. "Actually I think I do know…I just… want you to be aware that I would never blame you. It would probably be best if you ran as fast and as far away from me as you possibly can."

Gillian froze, a knot weaving it's way through her insides and pulling tight. She fought to catch her breath before hot tears filled her eyes. Breaking free of her personal binding, she sat up, shifting her body to be able to look straight into his face. "You _can not_ assume what I _may or may not do_." Her utterance shook badly, tears beginning to course down her cheeks. "You _can not_ assume my feelings." Her hands moved to roughly grasp either side of his face. "_How dare you tell me to run from you_! What the _hell_ gives you the _right_?"

Cal stared at her, his jaw sagging open, startled. He honestly didn't know how to react. "I…I was just thinking of you. I'm such a selfish bastard…"

"Don't _assume_ you _know_ what's best for me!" She jarred his head ever so slightly for emphasis. He could feel her breath on his face. She was just inches away. "If I was going anywhere, I would probably have been long gone by now you _idiot_! _Don't you even realize that_?" Noting that her grip had become stronger than intended, she loosened her hold, but did not let go. "I'm not going anywhere."

They didn't break eye contact. It was almost like a childhood staring contest. Neither was willing to look away.

He moved his left hand slowly up to the side of her face and gently tucked a wavy lock behind her ear. "I'm glad." There was no ambiguity in his tone.

**(BREAK)**

Before heading to school, Emily risked a peek into her Dad's bedroom. She knew that she shouldn't but she couldn't help herself.

A smile tugged up the corners of her mouth as she observed them. They were nestled together and asleep in one another's arms. Both seemed peaceful. She hadn't seen that level of peace on her dad's face for a very long time. As she watched, he pulled Gillian even closer with his good arm. They complimented one another perfectly and they were the only two people that didn't seem to know it.

Gently closing the door, Em headed downstairs.

**(BREAK)**

Cal had to grit his teeth but managed to slip out from under Gill's arm without waking her. Moving slowly, he grabbed some clean clothing and headed toward the bathroom.

Looking at himself in the mirror, it was hard to meet all the demons behind his own eyes. His face appeared more heavily lined now, gaunt with weight loss and exhaustion. For the first time, he didn't kid himself. He felt his age. Older in fact. His hair was light enough to mask most of its gray, but if he looked close though he could see it. Silver camouflaged itself in his short beard as well.

With a sigh, he pulled his eyes away from his aging reflection and tentatively pulled at his bandage, successfully peeling it away. The wound still looked ugly but the sutures held. He had been told to wait several days before taking a shower and now he was more than ready. He needed to wash everything away. Physically _and_ psychologically would be nice. Cal wished it would be that easy.

Starting the shower, he awkwardly undressed and moved into the warm, soothing spray.

**(BREAK)**

Gillian awoke to a loud thump and an oath. Shaking the granules of sleep from her mind, she quickly scrambled off the side of the bed and went to stand outside the bathroom door. She gave a tentative knock.

"Cal?"

Silence.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah luv. Just lost my balance." She could hear pain and embarrassment in his voice

"Do…you…um…need help?"

More silence.

"I'm…alright. Be out in a minute."

She hovered with worry, not being able to help herself, until the door finally cracked open. He was noticeably paler.

Cal gave her a sheepish but pained smile. "Still a little woozy I guess. At least I don't stink now." He wore only a pair of sweats.

Her eyes automatically swept across his lean chest before landing on his shoulder and cringing.

He'd caught her expression. "Yeah, I know. Ugly isn't it?"

"Well..."

"I could use a hand redressing it though, if you're not too uncomfortable…?" She

could tell it took a lot for him to ask.

"Of course. Just…" She waved him back into the bathroom to sit on the toilet lid.

Finding everything she needed under the sink, she had it cleaned and dressed within minutes. They continued to gaze at one another afterward, as she sat on the edge of the tub.

"Any more nightmares?"

"Not that I recall."

Reaching out a hand, her fingers lightly combed through his beard. Cal didn't move away. "What are you going to do with this?"

"Dunno. The group ZZ Top ring any bells?" He tilted his head, a lazy smile crossing his face.

"Very funny."

"Well, luv, it's gonna have to wait until I can move my arm a bit more. Otherwise, I'll likely cut my own throat."

"I could do it for you." Her voice was soft but confident.

"Cut my throat?"

Her lips twisted slightly and she raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry luv, bad joke." Cal cocked his head to the side, watching while Gill's face softened. "You don't have to do that."

"I'd like to. Do you trust me?"

Staring deeply into her eyes, the words came easily. "With my life."

Gillian nodded with a little smile and once again rummaged under the sink, finding grooming scissors and the rest of his shaving supplies. He couldn't help but subtly observe the curve of her hip and backside as she leaned over. Swallowing, he averted his gaze.

She draped a towel around his shoulders, and used the scissors to carefully trim as close as possible before setting them aside and reaching for the foam.

Cal's eyes never left her face. He wasn't worried, just entranced. Her touch was gentle and deliberate as she worked, smoothly running his razor up and over his jaw in even strokes. He watched as she took her lower lip between her top teeth in concentration, being so mindful as to not hurt him. Unconsciously his heart rate increased and he stated to feel a little warm. He finally moved his eyes away, embarrassed at what she might find lurking there. His usual mask required a bit too much energy at the moment.

Finishing, Gillian wiped away any residual shaving cream from his face and stepped back to allow him room to get to his feet.

With a grunt, he pulled himself up and went to peek in mirror. He proceeded to mockingly move his face this way and that to get a better idea of her level of skill. "Not bad at all. I think I could maybe hire ya."

She smiled as he turned toward her and touched his cheek. "That's better. I can see your face again."  
>"What, this mug? Why would you want to do that?" His eyes gently teased.<p>

Just for this moment, undamaged Cal was back. She was so happy to see it that she felt her eyes start to water, which naturally made him frown in bemusement.

"What luv?"

Keeping her hand on his freshly shaven cheek, she moved closer and gently pressed her lips to his. He returned the kiss, bringing his fingers up to curl in the hair at the back of her head. It was so tender and sweet that they both broke away smiling.

"Thank you darlin'. I really enjoy the extra services that you provide." He gave her a suggestive wink.


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter was a rough one for me to write for some reason. Hope it's still up to par. :-)**

* * *

><p>Gillian had gone home to shower and change before heading to the office. She promised that she'd make it an early day if possible and would be back to check on him in the afternoon.<p>

Melancholy settled into him as soon as the door closed behind her. Her radiance and love left with her leaving him feeling like he existed in a vacuum. He decided to go back to bed. It wasn't long that he found himself slipping into an uneasy sleep.

His dreams were dark and foreboding, always ending with a bullet removing part of someone's head in a spray of blood, brain matter and skull fragments. Sometimes it was the big man in the house, other times it was himself. This time it was even worse.

Cal awakened violently, every muscle clenching in panic, causing pain to bolt through his shoulder. He didn't even try to bite back the groan. Breathing hollowly, sweat coated his body, as his thin t-shirt to adhered to him. _Yes, it was definitely worse this time. Christ._

Trembling, he threw his legs over the side of the bed, waiting for his heart to stop knocking so uncomfortably hard against his ribcage.

After a few minutes, Cal got unsteadily to his feet and just began to roam. The house seemed so much bigger all of a sudden. Big and empty. He knew he should be resting, his shoulder throbbed painfully to second the motion but he currently found it impossible. The nightmare was too fresh, too raw. He paced aimlessly. Found himself upstairs again, then downstairs, then in his study wondering if he should work on the book. Decided that there was no way he could concentrate so he went into the living room. He picked a movie, popped it in and gave up after 15 minutes, tried some music and couldn't focus to even listen. Decided to make some tea.

Filling the kettle, he placed it on the burner before slumping onto one of the barstools to wait.

He'd come clean with Gillian. It had been both intoxicating and terrifying. Didn't seem like she was going to run for it, even though he still thought it would be in her best interest. He should be ecstatic but somehow he wasn't. Cal felt as if he were standing on a precipice while the darkness below beckoned. A shudder ran through him at the thought.

The sound of the cell phone pulled him from his inner ravings.

Not recognizing the number he answered with a simple "Lightman."

It was quiet at the other end but he could sense a presence, so he waited.

"Dr. Lightman."

Cal felt his stomach drop slightly. "Tanya." Clearing his throat, he sounded a little strained regardless. "How're you doing darlin'?"

There was a noise that could have been construed as a sob but she covered it up well. "I just wanted to - "

_Hear your voice._

" – see if you were okay."

"I'm getting on and that."

"You don't sound so good."

"It's going slow."

She was silent for so long that he began to wonder if the call had dropped, then "I wanted to say that I'm sorry…for everything."  
>It was his turn to be quiet, his stomach felt hollow. "I know, luv."<p>

Tanya's voice became low and rushed. "I have to go. Please take care of yourself." This time the sob wasn't hidden. Then she was gone.

Lowering it to the counter, his fingers hadn't even uncurled around the phone when it rang again. _Gill._

Hesitating, he wondered how he'd sound to her. He didn't want to alarm her but he needed to hear her voice, so he decided to chance it.

"Hello luv."

"Hi Cal. Just wanted to check in. How are you feeling?"

_How was he feeling? Like shit on many different levels, that's how he was feeling._

"I'm good darlin'."

"Sure?" She naturally sounded doubtful.

"Um, yeah. A little sore. Tired."  
>The words hung between them as Gillian frowned. He seemed almost cautious, even detached. Far cry from his playful, flirty mood this morning.<p>

"Did you eat anything?"

"Yeah, I fixed myself something." He lied.

And she knew it, but decided to let it go. "Look Cal, I'm going to be hung up here a little longer than I thought, but I'll pick up something on the way back for you and Em.

It occurred to him that he had no idea what cases they were dealing with right now. He let out a quiet sigh. "Thanks luv."

Then she was gone too.

He lowered the phone slowly to the counter as the kettle whistled in the background. Blinking, he moved like an automaton as he fixed his tea.

What the hell was going on? He loved Gill in every possible way and yet he felt this pull toward Tanya. Maybe because she'd had it rough. Maybe because she was already tainted by the dark side of life. Maybe because she was more like…him. Somehow, he felt guilty as well, which didn't make any sense either. _She_ was the one that betrayed _him_. Yet he felt no anger. Cal shook his head, his mind muddled.

His shoulder now hurt like hell. It hadn't taken kindly to his angst filled wandering. Without thinking twice, he grabbed his painkillers and popped a few, hoping that a drug induced slumber would cut back on the bad dreams.

Carefully stretching out on the couch, he stared vacantly at the ceiling until the meds kicked in and pulled him down into unconsciousness.

**(BREAK)**

He opened his eyes to a steadily darkening room. Disoriented, he wondered why Emily wasn't home yet. Then he saw him. Bill Kimler stood next to the couch, looking down at him from his full height. His eyes were milky in death, gore clung to his cheek and a large part of the back of his head was missing. Unable to find his voice, Cal shrank away as the big man leaned down and reached for his throat. Lips pulled back from teeth stained with dark blood as the meaty hands wrapped around their intended target…

He opened his eyes to a steadily darkening room to find another pair of brown ones staring down at him worriedly. Startled, body tensing in panic, he found himself merging sleep with reality for just a second before he visibly relaxed.

"Dad? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, luv." He pulled himself into a sitting position as Emily sat next to him.

_At least it was a different nightmare. Lovely._

Glancing at the clock, he frowned. "Did you just get home? Kind of late isn't it?"

"Remember dad? I had study group."  
>He hadn't. "Oh."<p>

"Bad dreams again?"

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"I live in this house dad. You think I'd honestly not notice?"

"Hoping you wouldn't." Cal grumbled at her, lightly teasing.

Emily just looked at him, raising her eyebrows. He wasn't looking very good again. Dark circles gave him an almost haunted appearance. She couldn't understand. He had seemed so peaceful this morning when Gillian was here and now it was like he was detaching again. _Did something happen?_

A soft knock at the door brought Emily back to her feet.

Cal slumped further into the couch and stared down at his hands.

Gillian bustled through the door with the smell of Thai food accompanying her. She crossed into the kitchen, placing the bags on the breakfast bar.

"Mmmm, that smells so good! Thank you!" Emily followed closely behind before passing the older woman and removing some plates from the cabinet. "What's on the menu?"

"Tried to say safe. Pad Thai, Pad See Ew and some curry for your dad. Sound okay?"

"Absolutely."

Gillian looked past Emily to the figure sitting in shadows on the couch before meeting the girl's eyes.

Emily gave a little shrug, mouth forming a line, forehead crinkled in worry.

Gillian crossed the room, turning on one of the lamps. "Cal?"

He was still staring at his hands. He pulled his eyes away with some difficulty. "Yeah, luv?"

Reaching down, she took his left hand in hers. "You need to eat something. After dinner, we talk."

He awkwardly climbed to his feet and obediently followed her into the kitchen.

**(BREAK)**

After dinner Emily went to her room for homework and music. She cast a long look over her shoulder at her father before heading up the stairs. He managed what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

It didn't work. She disappeared from view, frowning and biting the inside of her cheek. Cal stared after her, knowing she hadn't bought it but not able to do a single thing about it.

With a sigh, Cal turned toward Gillian who was openly studying him. She wore a similar expression to Emily and part of him felt guilty knowing he'd put it there. Part of him also felt angry that he felt so weak. That wasn't him. He could take on anything. _What the hell had happened? _

She was curled at the corner of the couch, feet beneath her as always. He was sprawled at the other end, wanting to move closer but unable.

Meeting her eyes finally, he cleared his throat. "Something on your mind luv?"

Not answering, she continued to drink him in, noting the dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes and the gauntness of his face. He looked as if he were in the throes of the mother of all hangovers.

"Have you thought about seeing a counselor?"

Not answering, he just gazed at her from half closed eyes.

He was happy to see her move a little closer before placing a hand on his arm. "I know that it's not something you would normally entertain, but…I see you spiraling and it scares me. And I know it scares Emily."

Her fingers gripped his forearm, the thumb massaging circles into his skin as she continued to meet his eyes. "We all could use some guidance sometimes. Even someone as strong as you."

_Strong? Really?_

"Not feeling particularly strong these days."

"I know, but you are." Gillian scooted even closer before reaching to touch the side of his face. "Lesser people would have crumbled already."

She was so warm. Her hands were warm as was the leg now pushed up against his.

"What makes you think I haven't?"

"Because I know _you_. You're shaky right now, I know that, but I really think if you talk to someone, it'll help."

"I can talk to you."

Her hand dropped from his face. "You know I can't do that."

He nodded, knowing the reasoning. Conflict of interest. Violates the code of ethics and so on. _Very inconvenient_.

"Alright."

The quick response surprised her. A brow crept upward in suspicion. _Alright? It couldn't be that easy could it?_

"Do you know of someone who I could possibly stand other than you?" A tiny teasing smile crossed his lips.

_No, of course it couldn't be that easy._

Cal took advantage of her proximity to loop an arm around her shoulders. So warm. His body began to relax as she allowed herself to lean into him, her head dropping onto his good shoulder.

"I'll make some calls tomorrow and see what I can do."

Pressing his lips to her forehead, he could easily interpret the simple act of holding her therapy for him. All the anxiety of the day began to dissipate, at least for now. "Okay darlin'."


	13. Chapter 13

Gillian's thoughts drifted to the struggle ahead. The trick would be to find someone that Cal wouldn't browbeat or at least someone who could hold their own and not kick him out of their office. Several names came to mind. Arbogast – he was really good, she'd gone to grad school with him, Martin was a possibility, Carson, Temple…scratch Carson, actually – Cal would probably butt heads with him – their egos wouldn't fit in the same room. Maybe Padovich? She gave a little sigh. All she could do was try. Cal had to help find the right fit. Hopefully he'd come up to bat and not alienate every single one of them.

She pulled out of her musings to find him quietly observing her. His hazel eyes were warm but slightly tentative, almost as if he had something to say but wasn't sure exactly how to go about it.

Trying to make it easier for him, she sat up but still remained close. Her proximity seemed to calm him. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. "Cal, can I ask you something?"

He tilted his head slightly. "Course." His hand slid off the top of the couch, tucking her hair behind her ear before running down the side of her neck, fingers gently massaging.

His touch was distracting and she had to stifle an involuntary shudder. "Did something happen today?"

The fingers stopped and a veil seemed to drop over his eyes. "Why?"

A little surprised by his expression, she continued regardless. "I know that you're going to have your ups and downs, but there seemed to be such an extreme change between this morning and this evening."

Once again his expression was unreadable. Her instincts screamed that there had to have been some kind of catalyst to send him spiraling like he was.

His fingers started moving against her neck again before working their way down to her shoulder. She felt her lids close briefly before giving a little groan but managed to pop them open again. Cal wore a tiny little smirk at her reaction but his eyes showed indecision.

"A lot of nightmares luv."

There was still something he wasn't saying. His fingers had once again halted their gentle movements, much to her relief.

"They must be awful." Gill spoke slowly, waiting.

Nodding, he allowed his eyes to slide away from her persistence but she caught his face in her hand. "Don't do that." Her voice sounded slightly sharper than she intended as her eyes continued to follow his. "Please tell me."

A long breath rattled out from between his lips. He looked almost guilty. "Tanya called me."

Gillian blinked. For some reason she hadn't even considered that that could be a possibility. The woman was in love with him, so why wouldn't she try to reach out? But what did she expect to accomplish? Seriously, she was most likely going to be behind bars for quite a while – why would she mess with Cal like that? He's peeking into the abyss and this woman was inadvertently trying to give him a push. Anger quickly coiled within before she realized that all her emotions had been vividly portrayed on her face. Cal stared at her, eyes wide, jaw slack.

He found his voice first. "A lot going on there Gill." He'd seen shock, anger and even jealousy. The feelings were amazingly intense. There had even been a tiny flash of hatred, which was very un-Gillian like.

Shame followed everything else. The woman _had_ been instrumental in getting Cal out of there. Gillian couldn't deny that fact. She wondered vaguely if his obvious attachment was something akin to Stockholm syndrome. Possible, but the relationship, for lack of a better term, predated Cal's imprisonment, so that couldn't be quite right.

Reaching out, he grabbed Gill's upper arm, squeezing slightly. "Enough."

The tone of his voice pulled her back. She hadn't expected to become so lost in her thoughts. They'd come at her in machine gun fashion and she'd felt powerless to avoid them. She looked into his face again. He gazed back steadily, his expression firm.

"Sorry, I just…" Just what? She didn't even know.

Cal's face softened as he released her arm. His hand lightly trailed down to find hers and curled around it. "That was rather…um…catty," he observed, not able to hold back a little smile.

"She shouldn't have called you."

"I suppose it did throw me a bit."

"Just a bit? You were a mess when I got back this evening!"

"That seems a little harsh…"  
>"Is it?"<p>

He contemplated it, thinking about the sense of foreboding, the nightmares that didn't seem to want to let him be, his thoughts racing and bashing into things like angry bees. If nothing else, the phone call hadn't helped. "Maybe not completely."

Gillian leaned back, still holding his hand, wondering if she should just drop it. Cal felt a certain amount of gratitude to Tanya and she didn't want to put him in the position of defending her. She couldn't help the anger simmering through her though. _Why can't that woman just leave him alone?_

"You're doing it again."

He gently pulled his hand from hers and it found its way to her face where he caressed her softly before returning to her shoulder. Cal's eyes hadn't left her face. It had never occurred to him how much animosity Gillian carried for Tanya. She generally kept her walls up a little better. She was almost like a mama bear protecting her cub. He wasn't sure that he cared for that particular analogy.

The fingers rubbed her shoulder briefly before grazing up her neck to just under her ear. Another tremor passed through her body. The hand entwined in her hair, forcing her face a little closer to his.

Despite appearances, he was quite strong. Cal brought her within inches. "You need to stop. Otherwise you're going to be in therapy right next to me." He kissed her gently. "Of course, there could be a discount. One loony treated, second loony gets 20% off."

"Not funny Cal." She couldn't help but smile, especially when he kissed her again. It was very easy to forget herself and everything else in his soft kisses.

With a grimace, he brought his other hand to her knee.

She pulled away briefly, frowning. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"Um, yeah, but I've got to exercise it." He grinned as the hand gently rubbed her knee before daring to go a tiny bit higher.

Gillian narrowed her eyes. "Too much exercise can be detrimental."

"Depends of the exercise." Still grinning, he pulled her to him again, the kiss immediately becoming a little more heated as his tongue pressed into her mouth. Her tongue immediately came out to play as well, flicking and dodging, eliciting a tiny little groan from him.

Heart racing, her hands cradled both sides of his face before one looped behind his neck, fingers sifting into his hair. Gooseflesh erupted up and down her flesh as his hands gently kneaded and explored. _This shouldn't be happening. He wasn't ready. Neither was she. _Gillian's brain unfortunately went hazy as her body trembled and burned.

_This was how it should be. All was right with her in his arms._ It made him feel powerful again, the emotional baggage becoming somehow lighter. Cal slowly maneuvered his body so he could gently push her down on the couch. His new 5 o'clock shadow brushed against her sensitive skin as he moved away from her lips and planted soft kisses and delicate nibbles down the length of her throat. Scooting down on the couch, her skirt pushed up slightly as she allowed him to push down against her. Bracing himself up on his arms so he could peer down at her flushed face and dark eyes, their lapse of judgment came down to bite him. His body went rigid, eyes clamping shut in agony as his right arm shook, threatening to give out.

Gillian pulled herself up quickly and gently pushed against his chest to help him back into a sitting position.

"Oh my God Cal! I'm so sorry!" Brow furrowed in worry, she stroked the sides of his face and brushed his hair back from his forehead with her fingertips. Tears stung her eyes. _How could she have been so stupid?_

His eyes were still squeezed shut, his lips pulled back from his teeth in a pain filled grimace. Words slid out in a hiss. She brought her face closer to his, pressing her lips against his temple and trying to catch what he'd said.

She would have smiled if she weren't so upset with herself.

"_No more exercise for tonight luv."_

**(BREAK)**

Gillian drove him to his first appointment with Dr. Kyle Arbogast. After he was called in, she sat back in one of the overstuffed armchairs with the novel she'd started the previous day.

She shouldn't have bothered.

Exactly 11 minutes later, Cal pushed through the inner door and brushed past her heading for the exit. Grabbing her purse and book, she quickly caught up.

"What's the matter? What happened?"

"Bleeding plonker." He didn't elaborate but his jaw was set. There wouldn't be a return visit.

The next appointment lasted less than 6 minutes. "Thinks her shit doesn't stink!" Once again he didn't elaborate.

With a sigh and an apologetic smile to the receptionist, she followed him out.

Gillian didn't even bother to bring her book when she brought Cal to Dr. Temple. She gave him a stern look when he was called in which he acknowledged with an eye roll and slight shrug. He didn't look hopeful.

Not sitting, she hovered near the door as the receptionist watched her, puzzled.

"He doesn't play well with others."

The woman gave her a huge smile. "Dr. Temple may be just what he needs then."  
>Gillian was a little dubious and still didn't sit.<p>

After the 11th minute, she decided to risk it and looked through the outdated magazines on the coffee table.

When the 28th minute rolled around, she allowed herself to read an article on home design and stopped looking at her watch.

A half hour later, Cal emerged, with Dr. Temple walking him out. She was an older woman, probably mid-sixties, with silver hair cut into a short stylish cut. Her glasses were worn with a chain around her neck and her attitude was strictly no-nonsense. The woman had also been one of Gillian's professors when she'd been in grad school and she had tremendous respect for her.

"Gillian!" Dr. Temple approached her, taking her hand in both of hers. "Very nice to see you again."

"You too." Gill smiled brightly at her, relieved that Cal had lasted the whole session and hadn't alienated another psychologist. Not yet at least.

Dr. Temple turned to the receptionist. "Cathy – put Dr. Lightman on the schedule for the same time next week."

"We'll talk soon Gillian…and Dr. Lightman?"

Cal just looked at her. He hadn't said a word since leaving the inner office.

"Take care and if anything comes up, _anything at all_, give me a call." Her eyes were bluish-green and sincere.

He nodded, edging toward the door before slipping into the hallway.

"Thank you, Dr. Temple for everything." Gill shook the older woman's hand again and with a smile, made her way out of the waiting room.

Walking to the car, Cal still hadn't said anything. She wasn't really sure how to take it but figured that he was still digesting whatever had occurred within the session. At least he hadn't walked out.

They stopped for lunch at a local coffee shop before Gillian finally brought it up. "You've been very quiet."

"Sorry luv."

"No, no, don't apologize. I guess I was just wondering how it went."

He took a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly and staring past her. "Bit of a spitfire that one is."

"I take it that that's a good thing?"

Cal moved his eyes back to her. They were suddenly warm. "You'll probably be like her in 20, 25 years. I think you share a similar spirit."

Gillian wasn't sure if that was a complement or not. "So, you're saying I'm not like that right now?"

"Oh, without a doubt. Just younger and gorgeous." He gave a grin. "And in 25 years, you're going to be just as fiery…and still gorgeous."


	14. Chapter 14

_The stairs seemed to go on forever, spiraling up into the darkness._

_ Gun in his waistband, he pulled himself upwards so slowly only using his left arm. It trembled badly from exertion. The other one hung limp and useless at his side. Many times he stumbled, once actually falling which added some bruised shins to his repertoire. It had reduced him to a crawl for several feet. Fortunately he didn't go over backward. That would have been it for the struggle. In a variety of ways. Maybe unfortunate was a better word. He was so tired._

_ A tiny pinprick of light showed ahead. So far away. He decided not to even look at it and concentrated on his feet, one after the other. Tried to detach and not think about the pain coursing through him or the narrowing tunnel. Was that the stairwell or him? He couldn't be sure._

_ His ears picked up the telltale sounds of a struggle. Maybe he was almost there. He didn't dare look for the pinprick of light. Wasn't sure how much more climbing he'd be capable of if it still floated high above him._

_About the time that he was contemplating just curling up on the stairs and saying screw it, the floor leveled out. Bright light oozed out around the door in front of him. He hesitated. Everything seemed to have gone quiet. That couldn't be good._

_Pulling the gun from the front of his jeans, he awkwardly turned the knob and pushed into the next room. A low groan of hinges announced his presence._

_For several moments the light was blinding. He dimly wondered if this was what it was like to walk on the surface of the sun before being vaporized._

_Moving sideways, he kept his back to the wall. It was the only way he could stay upright._

_As his pupils constricted he was finally able to take in the scene before him._

_There was a body off to his right. The smell of urine assaulted his nasal passages but he ignored it._

_The mammoth of a man stood before him, towering over a slight figure curled at the base of the sink. He faced away, pulling back a huge boot clad foot to kick what lay at his feet._

_Suddenly aware, the large man slowly turned. A grin plastered across his face. It was anything but friendly._

_"You don't want to do that mate." Cal's voice was surprisingly composed. Everything else shook badly._

_"Sure I do." The grin broadened and the boot pulled back once again before smashing into the woman's face._

_Cal's eyes widened, all semblance of control leaking away. Brunette hair and blue eyes seeped into his senses before being lost in rivers of red and cracking cartilage._

_"No!" He tried to bring the gun up from his side but it was much too heavy._

_The big man thanked him for the piece and pulled it from his numb fingers. He slid down the wall, watching helplessly as the woman's face dissolved before him in a sickening mist._

Cal's eyes opened quickly to the ticking of the clock on the mantle.

"Shit. Enough already." Sitting up, he dropped his head into his hands. As was always the case, he trembled badly and sweat beaded on his forehead.

A moment later, his phone went off, vibrating on the coffee table. Knowing whom it was, guilt gnawed at him as he brought it to his ear.

"Hello darlin'."

"Hi Cal."

He waited, his guts churning almost painfully.

"How are you?"

"I'm good." He kept his voice neutral despite his mixed emotions. He should hate this woman, but he couldn't.

Tanya paused, doubting the wisdom of her call but not being able to help herself. Lightman was always there in the periphery of her thoughts. "You sound better."

Physically he was. Stiff and achy but the excruciating pain was nearly gone. Temple was helping him get his head on straight but the nightmares still visited on a regular basis. Tanya's calls probably didn't help.

"I'm going to be moved."

He frowned but had to acknowledge some relief behind it. "Are you?"

"You know the reasons."

"Of course."

"Um," Her voice started to shake as she tried unsuccessfully to control her emotions. Cal closed his eyes and waited. "I have no right to ask this, but…I was hoping to see you before hand."

Not initially answering, his insides went from churning to clenching. He wasn't sure if this would be a good idea but at the same time, maybe a visit would offer some closure for him. He could very well be fooling himself too.

"No promises, luv."

"I understand." There was a catch in her throat. "I have to go. Thank you."

Cal lowered the phone back to the coffee table. She'd called several times in the last couple of weeks. He had only told Gillian about the initial contact. Her reaction had been somewhat…surprising, so he hadn't mentioned any of the subsequent calls. Probably should now though. Especially if he did what he intended to do. Gill wouldn't be happy either way but might understand if he was honest with her.

Making his decision, he pulled himself up from the couch with a low grunt and took the stairs to shower and change.

**(BREAK)**

"Cal! What are you doing here?"

Technically, he wasn't supposed to be driving yet. He gave a sheepish grin.

Gillian arced an eyebrow, her expression firm. A tiny bit of amusement flickered in her eyes regardless.

Cal hadn't set foot inside the Lightman Group since his kidnapping. It felt almost invigorating. This was his element.

"Darlin' can I talk to you?"

"You couldn't have called?"

"Technically, yeah, but cabin fever, walls closing in and all that."

"Uh huh." She looked skeptical.

"Dr. Foster, I had a question about - " Torres came out of the lab and stopped short. "Dr. Lightman." Her expression was slightly tentative but pleased.

"Torres."

"Good to see you. You seem to be recovering well."

Cal gave her a nod, surprised by what he saw.

"Um, anyway," her attention was back on Foster. "When you have a minute."

"Of course. I'll be right with you."

Cal had already started to head toward his office. Some of his swagger was back. Both women couldn't help but notice.

He waited by the door for her and swung it shut when she entered. He locked it before she turned to face him.

"Okay Cal, what's going on?"

In a breath, he was inches from her, one hand cradling her face while the other one glided down her arm. His eyes were warm. "Do I need a reason to come by?"

"No, but I think you have one." Her skin tingled lightly where he touched her and she flushed despite herself.

"Do I?" Smiling, Cal moved a little closer. She could feel his breath and caught the faint aroma of mint.

"Someone might come in." Gillian's voice was beginning to lose some of its strength. As usual, his proximity was making her a little dizzy.

"Locked, darlin'."

"Cal, I'm not entirely comfortable -" His mouth captured hers, effectively cutting off any uncertainty on her part.

His kiss was slow, warm and sensuous. She felt their physical lines dissolve as she faded into him, returning his kiss, becoming lost within it. Her hands reached behind his head, threading into his hair as his arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against him.

As memories of his dream trickled into his consciousness, the kiss became more desperate, the terror he'd felt when he thought he'd lost her raw and grating. He needed to be reminded that she was alive, perfectly fine and safe within his embrace. Pushing against her, she was quickly sandwiched between the wall and his body. He pulled from her lips and trailed hot kisses down her throat. The pulse in her neck fluttered like a hummingbird and he could hear the harsh sound of her accelerated breathing. Working his way down to her clavicle, he nibbled gently, pleased when she shuddered.

She needed to stop this. It was not the time or the place. Gillian could feel all her blood running south, leaving her lightheaded and overwhelmed. She was caught between heart and brain once again. It was the middle of the day and she could sense there was another reason for his visit but…_oh God._

With a strength that she found quite commendable, she gently pushed him back. "Cal, I…I can't do this right now." Her voice was faint and breathless.

He heard her though and took a half step back, looking startled. She couldn't quite tell if he was startled at her refusal or startled that he'd pushed so hard. Staring, she caught the slightest tinge of pain in his eyes. "I'm sorry Gill." Took another step away.

Stepping forward, she quickly grabbed him by the front of the shirt. She had no intention of letting him run and she could tell that that was exactly what he was going to do. "No, do not be sorry Cal." Her hand moved to stroke the side of his face, her eyes never leaving his. "I love you and I want this. It's just not the right time." Gillian smiled gently. "I do have work to do." She quickly continued when she saw hurt on his face, "But most importantly, I want a special time and place, not a quickie rolling around on the floor of your office."

Cal's face remained blank for several moments before he broke into a grin. "Point taken luv." He turned his face and pressed his lips into the palm of her hand.

"There was another reason you came by wasn't there?" She trembled slightly, still regaining her composure.

"You have a way of distracting me."  
>"Really? I could certainly say the same about you!"<p>

He smirked, tilting his head and regained eye contact. Holding her gaze, the smirk melted away and he gave a slow nod. "Yeah darlin', I do have something to talk to you about. Sit with me?" Taking her hand, Cal led her to the couch.

Gillian watched, curious as he found the words to say whatever he planned to say.

"I've had several other calls." He didn't need to elaborate.

She opened her mouth before closing it again. Cal's eye contact didn't waver. Clearing her throat, a seed of anger began to take root. "What are you saying?

What exactly are you asking me?"

He could see the hurt and regretted it. "She wants to see me."

"Why? To press your buttons some more? Maybe do some more damage?" Her voice had risen ever so slightly.

Continuing to hold her hand, he pressed his lips against the back. It had become a little stiff and unyielding but he didn't pay attention. "No luv. She's being transferred and that's going to be it. To be honest, my reasons are pretty selfish."

She narrowed he eyes, not quite comprehending.

"I guess I'm looking for some closure. I think it would help me put this whole situation behind me." Cal stared, eyes begging for her to understand. "I think I need to say goodbye."


	15. Chapter 15

**I think I may have arrived at the end to this one finally. It's taken a bit and I do apologize. Think I should bump it up to an "M" here. Just sayin'. Hopefully you all enjoyed!**

* * *

><p>Gillian drove him but chose to stay in the waiting area near the business offices. She had no intention of seeing Tanya but knew on a very basic level that Cal needed to. It was part of his healing process and as much as it pained her, she knew he was right.<p>

Before he went in, his hazel eyes found and held her blue ones. His gaze was filled with tenderness as he reached over and gently touched her shoulder before lightly caressing her cheek.

"You okay, luv?" In his own way, he was seeking permission. He wanted her to know that she was his priority and he wouldn't do this if she didn't support it.

She nodded with a little smile. "You do what you need to do."

Cal returned her smile, eyes lingering on her face for another moment before turning and following the guard.

**(BREAK)**

Tanya was being held away from the general populace and Cal followed the guard through a labyrinth of passages and locked doors before arrived at small room furnished simply with a table and three chairs.

"Wait here."

The guard turned and disappeared while Cal paced around the perimeter of the room agitated. It was hard for him to ever _just _sit, let alone now.

Five minutes later the guard returned with Tanya in tow. Her long blond hair was tied back in a ponytail and she wore no makeup. Surprise fluttered across her features when she saw him. She seemed younger, vulnerable and Cal felt his throat tighten.

"I'll be right outside the door, Dr. Lightman." The guard gave him a nod and left them. At this time Tanya was considered in protective custody. American authorities were working in conjunction with the Brazilians to bring the main man down and she was a key witness.

They just stared at one another. As he watched, her eyes became a little over bright. She sniffled and attempting to push her emotions back.

"Sit down darlin'?" He kept his voice low and waved toward the uncomfortable plastic chairs.

Sitting across from one another, silence stretched for several moments before she offered a smile. "You look much better now." His appearance had been so awful the last time she saw him. Now he seemed healed, whole, the light back in his eyes.

It had been a little over a month and physically he was coming along, with the exception of a dull ache and stiffness in his right shoulder. He nodded, catching and holding her eyes. "How're _you_ doing?"

"Um, I'm okay." A hand brushed over her face. "A lot of worries you know."

"What you're doing takes a lot of courage, but then, I guess you're not lacking in that department." He allowed a smile, compassion for this amazing but troubled woman coming through.

Tears started to break through their tenuous barrier at the warmth in his face. She dropped her eyes. "I'm so sorry for everything." It came out disjointed as her emotions threatened to take over. "This is all such a nightmare and I know it's my fault but I…I don't know how else to _be_."

He didn't comment, just waited and listened.

"Thank you for coming to see me."

"I think we both needed this luv."

Nodding, a sob escaped from her as he reached over and laid a gentle hand on her arm. His eyes were kind.

Despite the fact that Cal's hand was warm, a tremor ran through her. "I guess I just didn't want you to hate me."

Letting out a sigh, he shifted slightly and cleared his throat. "Maybe I should but I don't think I'm capable of it. There was a lot of anger, don't misunderstand but I…" Cal tried to find the right words, which was unusual. He wasn't one to normally be at a loss. "But I know where you've come from. I…see a little of me in you I suppose."

She was looking into his face again, hoping for something but not seeing it. Silent resignation crept into her heart. "I wasn't able to thank you for saving my life."

It was his turn to look surprised. His nightmares had twisted and warped reality.

"I _know_ he would have killed me." Tanya's voice had dropped to less than a whisper.

"I couldn't let that happen." His voice was also quiet. "I guess that makes us even."

A half smile brought the corner of her lips up as a bitter laugh passed through. "Not really, but I did the best I could."

The guard unlocked the door. "Time's up sir."

Cal pushed himself up and away from the table and crossed to the door. "One more minute mate?"

The man's eyes flitted between Lightman and the woman with just a second of hesitation. "Sure. That's it though." He pulled the door shut again, the back of his head visible through the small window.

Tanya also got to her feet so she could face Cal. She was a tiny bit taller than Gillian, looking him strait in the eye as she stood before him. Tears had finally broken free and coursed unhindered down her cheeks. She did nothing to ebb their flow. Reaching out, she gently touched the side of his face before moving forward and kissing him.

Cal stiffened initially before allowing the kiss, even returning it but keeping it sweet, keeping it chaste. He knew it wasn't a betrayal. It was a goodbye.

After a moment, he pulled his mouth away but folded her into a tight embrace. He could feel the dampness of her tears against his shirt and pressed his lips against the top of her head. "Goodbye darlin'. You take care."

With that, he stepped away, knocked on the door and waited while the lock released.

She saw him give one last parting glance over his shoulder. He gave her a wink, and then he was gone.

**(BREAK)**

"What's all this?" The question was asked to empty air as Cal cocked an eyebrow, a smirk pulling at his lips.

Gillian had requested his presence at her home at exactly 8:00. The note on the door suggested that he let himself in, which he was happy to oblige but there was no sign of her. At least not in the outer living areas.

The aroma of dinner permeated through the house. He wandered into the kitchen, giving a little grunt when he noticed that the kitchen timer still had over an hour to go.

Turning, Cal moved into the living room and that's when he saw them. His heart skipped several beats as his jaw dropped.

Rose petals, among other things formed a trail starting in the center of the living room. Leaning down, he picked up a single stocking and immediately pressed it to his face, inhaling her scent. Two steps, another stocking, a garter attached. His mouth went dry. The other garter lie just beyond.

A dopey grin took over his features as warmth spread through his body. He fought the urge to just sprint for the bedroom.

Black lace panties lay in another pile of rose petals. He picked them up as well and shoved them in his pocket. Souvenir. Maybe she wouldn't notice they were gone.

A delicately embossed black slip was next. Coughing, he decided not to knick it. _That_ she would notice.

The little red dress she's been wearing at the office today hung on the doorknob to the bedroom.

When he peeked in the doorway, Gillian was wearing such a beautiful smile that he felt his heart swell. And _that was all she was wearing_. Cal felt something else swell as a result.

He cleared his throat and swallowed. "Well, darlin'. I think I may just very well be speechless."

"I guess there's a first time for everything."

"True true."

Gillian's smile shifted into a mischievous grin. "I did tell you that I wanted a special place and time."

"You did. Seem to have an aversion to rolling around on my office floor." His eyebrows rose as he teased.

"Are you just going to stand there with your mouth hanging open?"

The smirk returned. "No ma'am." Kicking off his boots, his threw himself on the bed. She giggled as he bounced. He wrapped one arm around her to keep her flush against him and softly stroked the side of her face with his other hand, staring deeply into her eyes. "You…are…bloody…gorgeous." His lips found hers tenderly, trying not to rush but everything in him burned with love and desire and they found their kisses quickly turning intense with passion. She looped one long leg around him as he kissed down her neck and chest before gently kissing her breasts, belly and womanhood. Her eyes widened as she gasped and shuddered, blinking rapidly. He moved his lips, tongue and fingers back up her body and felt her hands pulling at his belt and the buttons of his pants. Moving away ever so slightly, he let her help him rid himself of his jeans and briefs before pulling off his polo shirt and throwing it aside. It landed on one lamp, muting the light of the room.

At this point, he slowed his movements and gazed down at the woman beneath him, taking in as much as he possibly could.

Gillian's face was flushed, her eyes dark. Freckles peeked out from under her makeup adding to her youthful appearance. She smiled up at him then, gently reaching out and touching his face before sifting through his hair with her fingers.

"I love you Gillian." _So damned much_. His face had shifted ever so slightly, expression earnest.

It had been a long road back for him but it had been worth it. This wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman had patiently waited and encouraged him the whole way. He couldn't even imagine what he'd done to deserve her but here she was, looking up at him with the most loving light in her eyes.

She pulled him down to her, murmuring against his lips. "I love you too Cal. Let me show you just _how _much."

**The End.**


End file.
